'...darkness isn't dark to you; night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you. 13 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb. 14 I thank you, High God - you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made...' Psalm 139 MSG

We are deeply complex and holistic beings.

This has been a fact which has struck me at the end of an incredibly challenging week; mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. 

You may, or may not, know that I am a trainee vicar at theological college. On Sunday we re-congregated together in worship and food (two of the core principles of Christian's when they hang out together) before facing one of the most challenging weeks of our time here at Cranmer Hall (the training establishment). Yes, if I thought learning New Testament Greek on a Monday morning at 9am was tough I had not seen anything yet!! 

Whilst the second years assembled to grievously face death and dying in one area of the building, we gathered to consciously explore human sexuality and gender. 

I always knew it was going to be hard and we would face facts, issues and situations which we never, particularly I believe as British individuals, want to expose but as trainee vicars is essential we do for the good of our own well being as well as for those we are pastorally responsible for, on many levels. 

Questions have arisen, which I never knew existed within me, and I have heard testimonies i honestly never wanted to hear and learnt things I didn't know regarding human sexuality, which I now do. All this has led me to reflect the statement I made at the beginning; we are deeply complex and holistic beings. 

We try, in our society, to separate ourselves into different categories. We talk of body, mind, spirit and soul. But we can not; we are whole. While using our body in some way our soul, spirit and mind are also engaged. This is true when we are using any area of our being, the others are always active, especially when it comes to core elements of who we are made to be, one being our sexuality. Whether this is in how we define ourselves; male or female, or whether this is to do with sexual preference, it is a essential element of our identity. Perhaps compartmentalising them would be easier, or more measurable, or even easier to comprehend but it is just not possible. On the surface we may kid ourselves that we have managed it, but at the core we have not and will not. We are holistic.

This if course, makes us complex. There are so many areas and elements which influence our day-by-day, minute-by-minute, second-by-second, decisions. These range from genetics to social agents. A few if which we are aware, many if which most of use are unaware. There are so many it is impossible to list, we are complex. 

And all if this stems from or influences, as you have seen, our core. The very centre of our being. Our identity. It is deep. 

Last week I started a blog which considered how we 'live life to the full'. Due to my incredibly slow typing ability and brain power I did not manage to finish it. Here is what i wrote;


'You're half a century old' came the phrase from one of my best friends as I opened her e-mail this morning to wish me a happy birthday. Followed by the cheeky comment; have you done anything useful yet...?  She did add she was just joking but it is certainly something worth considering.

I have seen many cards and signs which state 'Live life to the full!' But I wonder what society take this phrase to mean.....

Does it mean staying up late into the early hours drinking, dancing, having a 'good time' by getting sore feet from high heels which cut into your circulation, or pneumonia from wearing short skirts and low tops in the freezing English weather, or bragging to your mates about how many girls you can 'bang' in a week/month/year (delete as appropriate)? How about the dream house, job, family? Is living life to the full about earning the right pay packet which allows for a good car, not the best but suitable, paying for the children's extra circular activities, a hot holiday at least once a year, time spent in work but equally balanced by time at home, talking of home; it has to look modern but classic, neat but lived in and you need to have the latest home appliances but not too modern...is this life to the full?
What about how much time you spend with your friends? Or just being a 'good person'?

Sadly I think many within our society see 'life to the full' in this way. But if it is I am living a completely un-full life. In fact I'm failing miserably!! 

When I was university, the first time round, I remember standing at my kitchen window watching as the freshers headed out on their nights of fun and fulfilment. I stood in my p-j's thinking 'what is wrong with me? Am I weird, strange, have I got this all wrong?' And slowly I walked back to my room. As I did so and slumped on my bed a thought popped into my mind 'Do you think you're wrong? Do you want to be there?' In that moment I realised I didn't want to be out clubbing that night. No I wanted to be exactly where I was. I might be weird, I'm not sure I've ever fitted in with my peers but that doesn't make me wrong. The fact is that I go clubbing a couple of times at uni and before but I just didn't like it. I didn't like seeing people drink till they were completely inoculated, or being 'felt up' on the dance floor. I don't mind a drink with friends and i love to dance but every time I came home from clubbing I felt degraded and depressed not happy, not as though that was the best thing in life. In fact, all I have ever wanted to do in a club is tell those there the 'THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN THIS!!!' 

As for owning the ideal home, having the 'perfect family' and all the correct gadgets. Well, I don't own a home yet and I am going into a profession which, well...doesn't pay great...and so far I haven't got a boyfriend or had one since I was 16... So I'm far removed from building the 'perfect family'. 



In light of the last week I am not sure how it entirely fits in, other than, I am convinced if we do not accept that we are deeply complex holistic beings we can not live life to the full and the things I share above clearly point out just how complex we need things to be for us to believe we have achieved 'living life to the full'. 

For circumstances outside any if our control, we have not been able to look at the theological foundation section of this module. Thus on Wednesday morning I arrived at college, having debated with myself the day before, whether I had 'got things wrong'. In the morning reflection and first session of teaching I felt my eyes re-focus on God and encouraged to look at the facts we have had presented to us in the light of the truth we know about God. With this re-alignment of thought I realised it was not that I 'had got things wrong' but rather I had allowed my mind to become overwhelmed by the 'facts' which the previous two days had presented. 
Once again I found as my thoughts re-aligned I found a intricate peace. Having been forced to examine messy and complex issues has re-enforced in an informed way, many of my beliefs and is strengthening my relationship with God. 

This is not tidy and therefore I do not feel I can 'sweep' everything up at the end of this blog and 'round it off nicely'...after all we are deeply complex holistic beings.... 

Train stations, fun, funerals, donuts and friends.

Looking over the railcards I have acquired over the last eight to ten months I thought I could easily predict what would be there, and to a small extent I was right; yep, there were the tickets from York to St Mary Cray (Where my parents live) and from York to Durham (from one home to the other) and vice versa. However, it was the journey's I had forgotten which struck me with emotion the most. 

There was the ticket stating: York to Frodsham. Last summer my very good friend Vicky turned 21. For her birthday day she invited me home to meet her friends and family there. Vicky and I studied in York at the same time and went to the same church. We had developed a deep friendship over three years. Although I had met her parents before I had not met her friends from home, l had however heard plenty of stories. It was enlightening to partake in her home life, and an amazing few days of 'firsts' for me and fulfilment's for us both. For example this trip included, eating Chinese in a Chinese restaurant (something i had not done in years!), drinking in the local pub, then walking home the route Vicky had taken as a teenager every week, visiting Wales (A first for me), going to the smallest cathedral in the UK, seeing BRAVE at the cinema, going to Chester for the day, Vicky driving us back to York. It was a fantastic few days and one of the highlights of my summer.

Two other tickets stated: York to Edinburgh and Dunbar to York. Normally this journey is hinged with excitement and joy. I was born in Edinburgh and for years we have taken family holidays to visit my godparents and grandmother. It has always been a place of adventures, laughter, stunning views and family fun. This journey was the exception. 

In late September, early October my grandmother was rushed into hospital and had a stroke which left her incapacitated. Having heard the news my mother rushed to Scotland, thanks to God's graciousness she had already booked a flight in advance for another purpose. Once there, she informed me grandma had little time to live, she was predicted a week. 

On this basis I took this journey. It is one I will never forget. It was the inevitable, we had for years wondered how this would pan out and occur but never once could I have predicted quite how the chain of events did take place. For starters you can only guess, based on self-reflection and previous experience, how you may respond emotionally to such situations but until I am faced with the reality of the situation I never quite remember how I will feel. That was certainly the case this time. I had not predicted that the night before I travelled I would run through memories of us when I was younger, the games, adventures and stories we had shared. Tears streaming down my cheeks as I realised just how much I have always loved her. Now they seem like distant memories once again, but in that moment I relived them and knew I had to share them with my grandmother. 

When I arrived mum was far calmer than I thought she would be and much more resolved to the situation. Grandma however, was far worse than I could have imagined. As a Christian I am always keen for those I love to know Jesus as their Lord and saviour. Based on this I prayed earnestly for grandma, as I have for years, but particularly next to her bed. She slept most of the time, linked up to morpheme and other fluids. Mum and I mostly talked, as sunshine streamed through the windows and we observed the other patients, staff and visitors.
I think laughter helps us process things, whether they are good or bad. As a family it is certainly a policy we adopt. So even here, in this hospice room mum, Elaine (my godmother) and I found time to laugh. Still it was a deeply difficult time. I took the moments alone to share with grandma the memories I had had and to tell her I loved her, that I believed God loved her and that if she accepted His love and forgiveness even now He would accept her. 

You never know in those last moments exactly what is going on under the surface. One thing we do know is that hearing is the last thing to go and those we love in these situations can try and respond. Grandma was always stubborn and she certainly continued to fight the nurses, in whatever little way she could. For example, as they attempted to do her hair. So although as surprise to me, mum and the staff were not, when she brightened slightly at hearing my voice. Then as I left to return to York, as I told her for the last time that I loved her and God did too, she cried.

The next journey I took to Scotland was only a week and a half later. During which time I had said goodbye to many friends and extended family. I had lived in York the longest period of time I have ever lived anywhere; six years (we moved a lot as I was growing up). Saying goodbye to colleagues, friends and adoptive family members was painfully difficult and it felt somewhat overshadowed by planning the move, complicated by attending a funeral.

There is not a train ticket stating this journey as rather it occurred by car and was broken, briefly, with moving things into my new home in Durham. Then collecting two brothers from Sunderland. 

The next time a train ticket was produced it was post funeral and the mass cleanup of grandmas's house had started. I hadn't stopped for weeks, everything had been quite full-on and had needed to be. I didn't want to appear lazy but I was tired; emotionally, physically and spiritually. Saying goodbye demands a lot. 

As I got on another train from Dunbar, at the same station I had stood on only two weeks previously, I felt a deep pang as I realised I had said goodbye to so much in such a short period of time. 

Mum and I had had a joke about how I needed to remember to get off in Durham and not York, but at least if I got to Northallerton I could get off and turn around. 

As it happens my next train ticket says; Durham to Northallerton return. Not because I forgot to get off in Durham however. No. Rather because, for the first time in my life I had left my phone on the train. Getting off at the station I realised the mistake I had made and spoke to one of the guards. He said it happened all the time. They contacted the train, located my phone and told me to get on a train to Northallerton and I could collect it there. As it was, there had been a new donut shop opened in Durham and they wanted to send their colleagues some donuts and thus asked if I would mind dropping them off for them. I was stunned, not only was I told I could have one if I wanted, but on Sunday as I had stood in church being prayed for I had seen in my mind a picture of a donut. This made absolutely no sense to me at the time and still doesn't now but I can't help thinking it wasn't a coincidence. 

I managed to get my phone back and eventually headed down the hill to my new house. At which I tried to open the door and found my key didn't work. I was locked out. Exhausted and feeling completely helpless I dissolved into floods of tears. I had had enough! 

Pulling myself together I picked up my phone and called the college office in the hopes someone might come and rescue me. Thankfully they sent one of my new housemates to let me in.

Completely lost; emotionally and physically, probably from fatigue, I slowly climbed the hill to college for the first time, this has become a daily part of my life now, and joined in the drinks with the undergraduates while trying to act 'normally'. 

On my arrival I was met by one of the most lovely people I now know, given a massive hug and offered a glass of wine. Soon another fantastic person was by my side and we have been pretty inseparable since. Fiona and Rachel have been the cornerstones of life at Cranmer Hall; amazing Godly women who have been used by God to bless and challenge me in so many incredible ways!

As I look back, the journey hasn't gotten any easier or slowed down any. It is still as fast paced. Not unlike a train journey. Every so often there are stops, but as I am not getting off I never get a real chance to experience what these places may be like. 

Right now I am sat on another train heading south bound. My ticket this time says York to London and in a week or mores time there will be another ticket which claims I will be travelling to Durham from London and I shall resume my journey there. 

When I take this journey I shall be facing, yet another unpredictable situation; a term unlike the previous two (not that I think you can predict life at Cranmer, unless it is vague). But this term doesn't even hold the same modules, and at the end of it, I shall be faced with saying goodbyes to more friends, who are again more like family, as they start a new journey of their own. I have been dreading this reality since I first met them. Fiona shall be one of them, and although I am excited at the new adventure she and other closes friends will be experiencing, I shall miss her terribly. However, one thing is for sure, had I never left  York and moved to Durham I would never have met her, or Rachel, or the others I love there. And I am still in close contact with those I love in York and have just enjoyed a fantastic week catching up with them.

So what am I learning? So much!!! 

But mostly, enjoy the journey. There will be surprises along the way, some great and exciting and good, others painful and unwished for, but either way fully emerge yourself in them and you will find you change and experience things you could never have dreamed.  

The other thing is God will always be providing good things, however bad things get!

So where does your next ticket destination tell you you are headed? Who might you meet?  What might you experience? Let yourself and see where the next journey leads you....