To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.” Mark 12:33

I wrote my last blog on how we are deep, complex holistic beings and referred to 'living life to the full'. As I have continued through the programme of block teaching on Human Sexuality and Gender I have been simultaneously faced with what one does when one is faced with an addition to the complexities already presented in life. In basic; I have post-viral fatigue and I am learning to live with it. 

In December, after a crazy first term at Cranmer Hall, I faced a different block teaching week. This one was on Practical Theology.

I find all I am studying is interesting but, aside from preaching and mission, I believe (and you may think differently) that practical theology is what being at theological college training for ministry is about. I mean, how often am I, in practise, going to use New Testament Greek, in comparison to listening skills? At least I hope my listening and reflection skills will be used way more often! 

So, although we were all exhausted, I was looking forward to it. Not to mention I love our year group, we are huge, we can be controversial, we love a good debate but mostly we laugh and love being together. Me being me I tried to encourage everyone to enjoy it as much as they possibly could. Do you know what? They did! But I was not there to see it. Why? Because I was beyond exhausted. When I say I could not leave the house I am not exaggerating!! I managed the first day, nearly. I spent a good half an hour of our last session of the day trying not to cry and then someone tried to tease me and I could no longer hold it back; I burst into tears and left the room. 

I was heart broken. This is what I wanted to learn about but I was too tired! I could not even sit in the lectures. Thank goodness we have a loving and gracious God. One of my lecturers also suffers from post-viral fatigue; what are the odds?! And sent me home to bed. 

The next day I rested in the morning and headed in for lunch in the hope that determinedly pushing through might help. However, it does not when you have chronic fatigue...as I was to find out. We had group presentations for Wednesday so I headed home to work on our PowerPoint. However, Wednesday proved a no-go day and I flopped on the sofa. 

On the Thursday I went in but couldn't stand during morning prayer and everyone kept asking if I should be in. I knew I wasn't contagious to anyone but myself. I also knew they were right and came home angry at God. Why was this happening to me? Why was I poorly? Why could I not be at the lectures I had desperately wanted to be at all day?! Everyone else was getting to enjoy them!

God simply said 'I want you to love yourself as much as you love everyone else.' 

Wow!

In short I didn't make it to any more lectures that week and, as I said, I have been now diagnosed with Chronic post-viral fatigue. It majorly restricts what I can do in every area of my life and when I 'hit the wall' as I have done this week I know there is nothing I can do but return to the sofa. 

Do I believe God has given me this illness? I'm not sure that fits with my theology. I believe bad things happen and sometimes God allows them to and they can be used for His glory, even if we do not allow ourselves to see it. 
Truth is, although I am struggling, I know I am majorly blessed by God aside and through those He has brought to journey with me! I also know He is teaching me, bit by bit, how to love myself.