Bitter sweet 2

 Living with Chronic post-viral fatigue is never easy. But throw in Christmas season, where as a trainee vicar and ministers daughter the load is slightly more. As well as buying, wrapping and exchanging presents, helping cook the Christmas dinner for all nine of us round the Christmas table, there are services beyond measure, preparing, taking and generally being there for people and 'catching up'. All which I love!! But no longer have the energy to sustain. 

This is frustrating. 

As I say, I love it all. I love baking, socialising, catching up, serving and being with people, but I can't stand around for long, I can't keep standing and sitting for songs, or if I do I don't have any energy to talk to people, or tidy up afterwards. 

But what is societies view?..... She is being lazy!! 

Argh!! I want to scream. The truth is I could do it last year, sit around and allow myself to not 'play the game' as I was sooooo poorly, but this year...well I care too much what people think is the cusp of it. I know I shouldn't but I do. On top of that I don't count my disability as giving me an excuse, but the truth is I don't want to be disabled. I want to be well. 

But if I keep convincing myself I am well I eventually hit a wall, like today. I am tired. I want to cry. My arms ache so I can barely lift them. I'm tired of being poorly and it impacting every area of my life. Praise God I have been able to do more this year but by no means can I do everything.

Sorry for the moan, that is not what I intend at all. I believe in seeing the hope in all situations and I certainly do see the hope in my own. The bible tells us 'God works everything for the good of those who love Him...' But many people forget the second half which states 'according to His will and purpose.' (Romans 8:28) You see in all things, the good and the bad God works them for good, but not the good we necessarily expect. Nor the good which we classify it as but rather as the 'good' He sees and understands. Very often this is not something we would deem as good, because as humans we have a limited view of things. However, it is what God knows and understands which dictates His actions and often we simply need to trust, even when things seem scary and out of our control. 

I wonder how Mary felt, she had been told by an angel that she would have a baby, she had remained faithful to God, so how could He, a loving generous God do this to her?! What if Joseph divorced her? That wouldn't look good!! She might never get married, what would her parents say? They would never believe her!

Now we know, in the aftermath of the story that an angel appears and tells Joseph to marry Mary but she didn't know that was going to happen, did she? And we are not given a time spectrum so it may have been when she had already started to show, at 14 in a society dependant on men for women to exist and survive, how was this a 'good' plan by God? 

And yet, now we see the bigger picture and know it was good. Because of their faith in God Mary and Joseph were entrusted with the job of rearing Jesus, God incarnate. The ultimate gift. But it is only good within God's plans and purposes and when the bigger picture is known. 

In some ways I know my fatigue is a gift from God and He is working it for good, but at present I don't see the bigger picture and in the nitty gritty of life it is difficult, but I keep trusting God. In the mean time I will share my frustrations and be real with you, because I am not called to live a dishonest life. In fact I am called to share a vulnerable one, for that is when God shines through. If there are no cracks the light can not be released!! At the same time when the cracks are revealed, it stings. Bitter sweet I once blogged and bitter sweet it remains.  

Numb?!

Numb?!

Chiming bells, candles, cinnamon smells and jiggly tunes consume us at this time of the year. Why? Simple. It's Christmas! 
"But what does that mean?"  The vicar asks for the hundredth time, and we all know it has something to do with God and Jesus. 
Yet most of us bustle around, trying to narrowly avoid each other as we dash from store to store. Parents squeal in excitement as they announce how they are off to see "Little Molly as Mary and Tom a shepherd." We may even bring ourselves to roll into church and sing a few carols but do we mean what they declare? Have we even thought about it? 
Or are we numb?! 

Last Tuesday evening I sat through a beautiful candle lit (and glow stick) carol service in Durham Cathedral and sang some well crafted carols, but did I really take stock of what I was partaking in? Or was I numb?!

How many of us watch versions of the nativity and smile at the cuteness of small children dressed up and concern ourselves with whether our little darling has remembered their lines or not, but do we ever ponder the significance of the Christmas message? 
Or are we numb?!

After all, it all seems a little strange doesn't it? Every year we spend a fortune, cook, then consume, more than we ever do at any time of the year and furthermore we dress children up in blue, white, brown, gold, red and, increasingly, orange (- chickens are making more and more of an appearance in Bethlehem these days). And why?

This thought has recently struck me. I know the nativity story inside and out; angel appears to Mary, tells her she will have a baby and he will be the saviour of the world, then the angel goes to Joseph to ensure he also knows and will still marry Mary, then they have to leave their home to go to the place of Joseph's birth, they end up having Jesus and putting Him in a manger, angels appear to shepherds who turn up to celebrate Jesus' birth, meanwhile a star has appeared in the sky and some wise people head towards Bethlehem too. Of course what the majority of nativity's fail to take account off is Herod's request for all boys under the age off two to be killed - i.e. The wise people did not turn up on the night of His birth. Also in none of the four accounts of Jesus' life is a donkey mentioned. Just saying.

Now don't get me wrong there is nothing too wrong with any of these things, I love Christmas, and do not believe in being a humbug!! But I wonder what God thinks. Does He wonder why on earth we put ourselves through this every year? Does he sit, with a bemused parent expression on His face, smiling as He watches us dash about muttering under our breaths? Does He sigh and think 'this was supposed to be so simple! Christmas is about love.' 

You might be thinking 'I know that!' True, but for whom from whom? 

Christmas is about God's love for you!! Me, the person next to you, your best friend, your parents...each and every single person. If only you had been on the earth God would have arranged Christmas the way it happened over 2,000 years ago because He LOVES YOU!!!

That's Amazing!!

Now when I stop to remember that the baby we see in the manger is the manifestation of God and His love I can't be numb. I get excited!!

This is what Christmas is about - the fact God loves me, you, us!! 

And suddenly I don't just sing another carol, I think about the one I am singing it for. The one I am thanking, of thinking me worthy enough to love in such an amazing way. And you know what? If there is nothing about the nativity story which is significant the why do we celebrate Christmas and go through this rigmarole?! 

Watching a nativity as it tells me how God sent the only gift worth receiving this Christmas I am no longer numb, are you?!