Easter Saturday Disciples

As I sat writing a tweet for the hashtag EasterMeans on twitter. I found myself writing: #EasterMeans expectant, prayerful reflection on this Holy Saturday as we wait for Sunday....

As I wrote this several questions streamed through my head, including 'Isn't this where we are at always, as post-resurrection, Christians? Ok, not exactly in the Saturday unknown state, as we know Christ rose again from the dead. But in a very similar place. 

We Christians, alive now, have not seen Christ in human form but still we are waiting in an expectant, prayerful state (at least we should be) for the second coming of Christ. We have, like the disciples had, been told how this might occur but we do not know the exact details. Rather we are waiting in eager anticipation for what might occur. What is more, we have only been told of and read about what came before. The wonders and miracles we experience are gifts from the Holy Spirit, we have not witnessed the Son of God preform them, although we do have the joy of connectedness to God through His dwelling in us through His Holy Spirit. 

In many ways we are the Holy Saturday disciples. Watching, waiting and praying. However, we are not to hide ourselves away in a room for fear, doubting what God has said will happen. Certainly not this Easter, when we have the ability to share the News of what God did for us all those years ago. No, instead we should step out and tell the whole world and invite them to join us in waiting and sharing, praying and anticipating, for Christ will return. The question is; are we ready? 

  

The poor will always be with us...but surely not in the uk?!

This BBC last week showed to episodes called 'Rich, Famous and Hungry.' I was asked by a friend yesterday if I had seen it. I admitted I hadn't and he told me I should. So this morning I did. It shook me, again to the core and then I remembered a couple of weeks ago I wrote this blog but never published it, so here it is...

The disruption startled me. Barriers left lying haphazardly, pathways precarious, with boards for crossing holes. The stark baroness struck me. My heart ached. I felt love, compassion and pain. If I felt like this, how much more would the loving God of creation feel?! 

Instantly numbness and mindful distractions overcame me. A friendly face and future dreams caught my imagination. Brief bliss. 

Water mixed with cast off furniture, mud ridden driveways and barely standing walls. In contrast, a cross the road, a newly built housing estate, prim gardens and sparkling 4x4's. Extreme poverty back-to-back with wealth. 

A slum in Nairobi? No, but this is what flashed into my mind.  

Perhaps because I am meeting with dear friends who I shared existence with for a week in Nairobi, and three months in Tanzania, this morning. Or perhaps, God is opening my eyes to what surrounds me. 

This week bishops, and other church leaders, have bombarded new articles with their condemnation of the way the government is treating UK citizens. The third wealthiest country in the world has poverty, the like of which I have observed and written of above! 

Starvation, malnutrition and desolation grips our country. And the governments response? To tell the bishops to shut up and mind their own business. 

A few weeks ago I wrote an essay on how the established church has a right to speak into Parliament, where other denominations would find this difficult. I can proudly say, they have proved my argument correct this week. For once, I am incredibly pleased to be a member of the Church of England, not just any member but an ordinand training. 

Our God is a loving God. He does condemn us, but not without first trying everything He can to save us. He loves us and therefore, as a parent would try anything to help, support, nurture their child God, the ultimate parent, does ALL He can too. The problem? We like things done our way not His. 

I am one of the worse! I like things to run as my imagination dictates, how grateful I am that it doesn't. Sometimes I am not grateful. It hurts, it sucks, and I don't like it. But I know from experience God is good. 

My help and glory are in God —granite-strength and safe-harbor-God— So trust him absolutely, people; lay your lives on the line for him. God is a safe place to be. Psalm 62:7-8 MSG

'Ah yes, the never-ending, daily, sometimes minutely wrestle of 'am I being lazy/ putting this thing off or do I need to rest?' An aspect of life this illness intensifies, as it does with many things. Measured by the 'I would just love to...' Or the 'Argh I had planned that and now I can't do it!'

It feels often as though life is a forest stripped off leaves, and the only way through is to push aside bare branches which you know will scratch you, tearing gnashes through flesh, exposing your warm blood to dirt and thus disease, and yet more pain.

Still, at points I hear a bird crow or the sun breaks through and a beam temporarily overcomes my vision and I look skywards and remember there is life outside the wood. There is a God who is bigger than this current circumstance. Then I glimpse orange and white, in those brief minutes I remember I am not alone, others suffer with this too. So I find the hollow of a tree and take a seat. Nestled up against the firm trunk, chin tucked on top of my knees, arms wrapped around my legs I rest. This is my cocoon.

It may not be ideal but it as it is. I am frustrated as I would like to be able to press on. Yet I remember I can not and sometimes we are called to wrestle with ourselves, or God, before we can explore what we have discovered from our wrestling. Jacob wrestled with God and learnt. A butterfly wrestles, stretches, grows and forms in their cocoon. Without it their wings would not form in the perfect way to enable flight.

Still it is encouraging to share these wrestles with those around us and learn others are wrestling too. Thank you!'

This was a reply I posted on another blog, of an amazing Godly woman Tanya Marlow. If you haven't read her blog do, here...http://tanyamarlow.com/cocooning

I read it at a timely point in my week.

"Welcome back to Cranmer Hall. Happy New Year! Hope you have all had a good vacation."

I smiled as I gazed around the room, "Thank you Lord!"

This scenario has loitered in my mind all week. Week one of Epiphany Term, year two of ordination training. I shall not bore you will the finer details but 'hit the ground running' comes to mind. A week of highs, lows, questions, tears, laughter, doubts. Life at Theological college while training for ordination in the Church of England (Just had one of those 'oh, erm, is this really me?! fleetingly regular moments).

I thudded onto the couch, my arms aching, tears brimming, torn between sleeping and screaming. Settling instead for catching up with 'Call the Midwife' on iplayer, followed by a good chat with my mum. Sharing heart moments equally in conversation is lightening; physically, spiritually and emotionally. Still I headed to bed around 7pm exhausted, day five of the first week back.

'How did I end up feeling this exhausted already?!'

I asked myself, between tear droplets and intentional ignoring of the aches my body held on to.

I, like Tanya, face the impending daily question of am I just being lazy? Can I push through? (with hopeful joy in my voice) or Do I actually need to rest?

There is no right answer to this. There are days when pushing through, albeit more gently than I would have before, is the only answer, and I live with the consequences. If I rest it is a question of where? How suitable a place will it be and will it enable 'proper' rest? And how does one judge if they themselves are being lazy?!

There is no definitive answer. So, in the meantime, I will snuggle against my tree and cocoon, trusting in the God who loves me, is with me in this trial and is cocooning with me too.

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble..." Psalm 46:1

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble..."

In the stillness a laugh erupted from my mouth. I could not help it. There was a quick giggle from my two companions. It was funny, even in the midst of morning prayer. I believe God sees the funny side and I hope you will too. 

A few Tuesday evenings ago I sat snuggled up on the sofa, laughing at Gilmore girls and trying to finish a cross stitch I started for friends a few weeks ago, a belated 70th birthday present. 

Black. Everything went black. 

"Oh no!" We groaned in unison.

Hannah and I carefully made our way to the lounge door, discussing whether it was only the lounge where the power had tripped or the whole house. In the hall a light was on. Based on this Hannah thought it may just be the power in the lounge which has ceased. However, it was the emergency light. We definitely didn't have power. 

Standing at the bottom of the stairs Hannah yelled up to another of our housemates "Jane, have you got power?" The response was resoundly no. 

Great, just great! The three off us stood in our cramped hall and discussed what to do next. 

Being intelligent, capable women we looked at the electricity switches and tried to flick the fuse. Nothing. 

It was cold, it was dark, it was 10 o'clock at night. What were the options?!

"I could stay here, I would be ok, I have a hot water bottle." One of my housemates declared. 

"And how would you heat the water to go inside the hot water bottle?" I asked.

 It had been cold for days. Any vague heat which had once filled our home had vanished. We hadn't had heating since Thursday and although we had had fan heaters on in some of the rooms, many had not and now without any electricity heat would not be a viable option at all. 

We had two choices, curl up and share body heat or pick up the phone. I love my housemates dearly and if it had been a necessity option one was valid. However, we opted for option two. 

As a dear friend answered the phone I burst into hysterics, quickly joined by my housemates. Explaining our situation, through fits of laughter I spluttered "It's...not...funny...but..." It was ridiculous. I mean, it was 10pm on a January night, we had no hot water and not electricity the last time I was in this situation I was in Tanzania, and I expected it there! 

We were offered shelter for the evening and each dispersed to her own bedroom to pack what belongings we could remember we may need for a stay in someone else's home. 

Automatically we all found ourselves trying to switch on bedroom lights, to no avail off course. Not having a torch to hand I found myself trying to remember where I kept my belongings, sensing things by touch and smell to decipher if this item were indeed the one I wanted.   

Re-congregating in the hall, we set out in the wind and drizzle up the hill to seek warmth and lighting. 

On arriving we were welcomed by gracious friends who had organised us areas to sleep and welcomed us to use their home as long as we needed. 

Now, here we were sat the following morning, teas or juices in hand sharing in the morning office together (one if the many highlights of living with my particularly wonderful housemates!) and the psalm declares...

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble..."

In the stillness a laugh erupted from my mouth. I could not help it. There was a quick giggle from my two companions. It was funny! After our night and the unknowing of what the day would face, of when we might have working electricity and heating again, of where, how and when we were going to do the assignments we needed to do, to read this brought us joy, hope and laughter.