'Ah yes, the never-ending, daily, sometimes minutely wrestle of 'am I being lazy/ putting this thing off or do I need to rest?' An aspect of life this illness intensifies, as it does with many things. Measured by the 'I would just love to...' Or the 'Argh I had planned that and now I can't do it!'
It feels often as though life is a forest stripped off leaves, and the only way through is to push aside bare branches which you know will scratch you, tearing gnashes through flesh, exposing your warm blood to dirt and thus disease, and yet more pain.
Still, at points I hear a bird crow or the sun breaks through and a beam temporarily overcomes my vision and I look skywards and remember there is life outside the wood. There is a God who is bigger than this current circumstance. Then I glimpse orange and white, in those brief minutes I remember I am not alone, others suffer with this too. So I find the hollow of a tree and take a seat. Nestled up against the firm trunk, chin tucked on top of my knees, arms wrapped around my legs I rest. This is my cocoon.
It may not be ideal but it as it is. I am frustrated as I would like to be able to press on. Yet I remember I can not and sometimes we are called to wrestle with ourselves, or God, before we can explore what we have discovered from our wrestling. Jacob wrestled with God and learnt. A butterfly wrestles, stretches, grows and forms in their cocoon. Without it their wings would not form in the perfect way to enable flight.
Still it is encouraging to share these wrestles with those around us and learn others are wrestling too. Thank you!'
This was a reply I posted on another blog, of an amazing Godly woman Tanya Marlow. If you haven't read her blog do, here...http://tanyamarlow.com/cocooning
I read it at a timely point in my week.
"Welcome back to Cranmer Hall. Happy New Year! Hope you have all had a good vacation."
I smiled as I gazed around the room, "Thank you Lord!"
This scenario has loitered in my mind all week. Week one of Epiphany Term, year two of ordination training. I shall not bore you will the finer details but 'hit the ground running' comes to mind. A week of highs, lows, questions, tears, laughter, doubts. Life at Theological college while training for ordination in the Church of England (Just had one of those 'oh, erm, is this really me?! fleetingly regular moments).
I thudded onto the couch, my arms aching, tears brimming, torn between sleeping and screaming. Settling instead for catching up with 'Call the Midwife' on iplayer, followed by a good chat with my mum. Sharing heart moments equally in conversation is lightening; physically, spiritually and emotionally. Still I headed to bed around 7pm exhausted, day five of the first week back.
'How did I end up feeling this exhausted already?!'
I asked myself, between tear droplets and intentional ignoring of the aches my body held on to.
I, like Tanya, face the impending daily question of am I just being lazy? Can I push through? (with hopeful joy in my voice) or Do I actually need to rest?
There is no right answer to this. There are days when pushing through, albeit more gently than I would have before, is the only answer, and I live with the consequences. If I rest it is a question of where? How suitable a place will it be and will it enable 'proper' rest? And how does one judge if they themselves are being lazy?!
There is no definitive answer. So, in the meantime, I will snuggle against my tree and cocoon, trusting in the God who loves me, is with me in this trial and is cocooning with me too.
