Bitter sweet 2

 Living with Chronic post-viral fatigue is never easy. But throw in Christmas season, where as a trainee vicar and ministers daughter the load is slightly more. As well as buying, wrapping and exchanging presents, helping cook the Christmas dinner for all nine of us round the Christmas table, there are services beyond measure, preparing, taking and generally being there for people and 'catching up'. All which I love!! But no longer have the energy to sustain. 

This is frustrating. 

As I say, I love it all. I love baking, socialising, catching up, serving and being with people, but I can't stand around for long, I can't keep standing and sitting for songs, or if I do I don't have any energy to talk to people, or tidy up afterwards. 

But what is societies view?..... She is being lazy!! 

Argh!! I want to scream. The truth is I could do it last year, sit around and allow myself to not 'play the game' as I was sooooo poorly, but this year...well I care too much what people think is the cusp of it. I know I shouldn't but I do. On top of that I don't count my disability as giving me an excuse, but the truth is I don't want to be disabled. I want to be well. 

But if I keep convincing myself I am well I eventually hit a wall, like today. I am tired. I want to cry. My arms ache so I can barely lift them. I'm tired of being poorly and it impacting every area of my life. Praise God I have been able to do more this year but by no means can I do everything.

Sorry for the moan, that is not what I intend at all. I believe in seeing the hope in all situations and I certainly do see the hope in my own. The bible tells us 'God works everything for the good of those who love Him...' But many people forget the second half which states 'according to His will and purpose.' (Romans 8:28) You see in all things, the good and the bad God works them for good, but not the good we necessarily expect. Nor the good which we classify it as but rather as the 'good' He sees and understands. Very often this is not something we would deem as good, because as humans we have a limited view of things. However, it is what God knows and understands which dictates His actions and often we simply need to trust, even when things seem scary and out of our control. 

I wonder how Mary felt, she had been told by an angel that she would have a baby, she had remained faithful to God, so how could He, a loving generous God do this to her?! What if Joseph divorced her? That wouldn't look good!! She might never get married, what would her parents say? They would never believe her!

Now we know, in the aftermath of the story that an angel appears and tells Joseph to marry Mary but she didn't know that was going to happen, did she? And we are not given a time spectrum so it may have been when she had already started to show, at 14 in a society dependant on men for women to exist and survive, how was this a 'good' plan by God? 

And yet, now we see the bigger picture and know it was good. Because of their faith in God Mary and Joseph were entrusted with the job of rearing Jesus, God incarnate. The ultimate gift. But it is only good within God's plans and purposes and when the bigger picture is known. 

In some ways I know my fatigue is a gift from God and He is working it for good, but at present I don't see the bigger picture and in the nitty gritty of life it is difficult, but I keep trusting God. In the mean time I will share my frustrations and be real with you, because I am not called to live a dishonest life. In fact I am called to share a vulnerable one, for that is when God shines through. If there are no cracks the light can not be released!! At the same time when the cracks are revealed, it stings. Bitter sweet I once blogged and bitter sweet it remains.  

Numb?!

Numb?!

Chiming bells, candles, cinnamon smells and jiggly tunes consume us at this time of the year. Why? Simple. It's Christmas! 
"But what does that mean?"  The vicar asks for the hundredth time, and we all know it has something to do with God and Jesus. 
Yet most of us bustle around, trying to narrowly avoid each other as we dash from store to store. Parents squeal in excitement as they announce how they are off to see "Little Molly as Mary and Tom a shepherd." We may even bring ourselves to roll into church and sing a few carols but do we mean what they declare? Have we even thought about it? 
Or are we numb?! 

Last Tuesday evening I sat through a beautiful candle lit (and glow stick) carol service in Durham Cathedral and sang some well crafted carols, but did I really take stock of what I was partaking in? Or was I numb?!

How many of us watch versions of the nativity and smile at the cuteness of small children dressed up and concern ourselves with whether our little darling has remembered their lines or not, but do we ever ponder the significance of the Christmas message? 
Or are we numb?!

After all, it all seems a little strange doesn't it? Every year we spend a fortune, cook, then consume, more than we ever do at any time of the year and furthermore we dress children up in blue, white, brown, gold, red and, increasingly, orange (- chickens are making more and more of an appearance in Bethlehem these days). And why?

This thought has recently struck me. I know the nativity story inside and out; angel appears to Mary, tells her she will have a baby and he will be the saviour of the world, then the angel goes to Joseph to ensure he also knows and will still marry Mary, then they have to leave their home to go to the place of Joseph's birth, they end up having Jesus and putting Him in a manger, angels appear to shepherds who turn up to celebrate Jesus' birth, meanwhile a star has appeared in the sky and some wise people head towards Bethlehem too. Of course what the majority of nativity's fail to take account off is Herod's request for all boys under the age off two to be killed - i.e. The wise people did not turn up on the night of His birth. Also in none of the four accounts of Jesus' life is a donkey mentioned. Just saying.

Now don't get me wrong there is nothing too wrong with any of these things, I love Christmas, and do not believe in being a humbug!! But I wonder what God thinks. Does He wonder why on earth we put ourselves through this every year? Does he sit, with a bemused parent expression on His face, smiling as He watches us dash about muttering under our breaths? Does He sigh and think 'this was supposed to be so simple! Christmas is about love.' 

You might be thinking 'I know that!' True, but for whom from whom? 

Christmas is about God's love for you!! Me, the person next to you, your best friend, your parents...each and every single person. If only you had been on the earth God would have arranged Christmas the way it happened over 2,000 years ago because He LOVES YOU!!!

That's Amazing!!

Now when I stop to remember that the baby we see in the manger is the manifestation of God and His love I can't be numb. I get excited!!

This is what Christmas is about - the fact God loves me, you, us!! 

And suddenly I don't just sing another carol, I think about the one I am singing it for. The one I am thanking, of thinking me worthy enough to love in such an amazing way. And you know what? If there is nothing about the nativity story which is significant the why do we celebrate Christmas and go through this rigmarole?! 

Watching a nativity as it tells me how God sent the only gift worth receiving this Christmas I am no longer numb, are you?! 

Being colour and light Matt 5:14-16 MSG

“Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven. (Matthew 5:14-16 MSG)


I think this passage says it all on it's own but it is especially significant for me this morning. For  I have read this passage just before I am about to be placed on a great hill - a stage in the metro centre. I am scared and nervous, and yet excited because I know God loves those who will be there and wants to use this opportunity for His glory, and there is nothing more exciting than sharing God with those He loves!!
This passage also speaks of a promise to me - God has gone before me, He knows those who will be there to hear His message. So I can have peace that He will use it to show His love to His creation.
It is affirmation; what I am doing is the right thing, He is proud of me and loves me. 
Being a light is significant for me and the phrase used here of 'bringing out the God-colors' is a major thing for me! I love colour and I believe God does too, otherwise why would He have created it?! I love dressing colourfully - I believe colour can brighten someone's day, it helps people smile, as does light. We need both in our lives otherwise we get depressed as humans. God knew this and that is why He refers to Himself in the bible in such a way, as we need Him and He brightens our lives.
So if God is encouraging me to be both light and colour for Him today that is great encouragement for me because that is what I seek to do, in and through the power and strength of Christ by His Holy Spirit, not just today but always but if He especially wishes to use today then praise God :-) 
“Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven. (Matthew 5:14-16 MSG)

‘Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.’ (1 Samuel 16:7 NIVUK)

What happens when we look at something and get one impression but when we explore beyond the surface appearance another reality is revealed?

 Recently I have become addicted to the great British bake off. One of the competitors has been told repeatedly that 'substance' takes precedence over style, as she has presented the most externally pleasing designs but has consequentially produced tasteless art - fine perhaps if like Picasso your work is not to be physically consumed but not so great when it's purpose is to be enjoyably edible. 

What is presented on the outside is not always consistent and therefore reflective of what is within. 

A phrase which is said to me often is "You look well today." 

What a compliment eh? And one I do not knock, however the problem is it is in fact difficult to tell whether I am well or not. As I often look fine, yet, due to having post viral fatigue, do not feel well within myself. Even those with years of experience in this complex illness find it difficult to tell when I am having an 'off' day and when I am genuinely fine. 

This in turn, causes a conflict; a) for those who look at and observe my external demeanour yet hear something contradictory and b) within myself. 

In the case of a) I believe people are loving and caring, for the most part, and want to see me be well and healthy, however there are also many misunderstandings about my illness which are played out in my relationships every day. This would be problem enough in most people's existence but thrown into living in a community of around 70 trainee vicars and ministers who eat, fellowship, study, work, serve, relax etc alongside one another, the intensity increases. So whereas the average person may be observed, commented on, or asked how they are a few times within a day this massively increases within my environment. And this combination of misunderstandings mixed with the care, love and longing to understand which my friends/family here offer often leads to their unhelpful phrase of encouragement "You look well today." 

While within me I see, experience and relish their love and care, balancing their multitude of gazes, actions and comments with the uncertainty of how I feel at that exact comment.  And ponder whether I burst their bubble with honesty or chose the simple answer; 'Thank you' accompanied by a smile. 

It has taken me a while to allow myself to acknowledge there are no right or wrong answers in this situation, actually what is right for one person may not be right for another. Also, I like to be honest with people but there is no possible way, and neither is it wise, to divulge the intricacies of how I am feeling to all who ask the question "How are you today?" Instead, in true British style, I respond with "I'm fine thanks, and you?" and do not condone myself for not being a hundred percent truthful all of the time - the fact is I am fine, but that covers so many areas it is unreal!

It has also taken me a while to realise that just because people say I look well it does not mean that how I actually feel is invalid. However, I am still learning to adjust, as are those around me, and this is a juxtaposition I believe I may have to continue adapting to for a while and it is certainly teaching me to not judge how someone is based on their external appearance. As very often, yes this can be a good implication but not always, and I now ask myself 'am I genuinely prepared for what the answer may be to the question "how are you?" 

Deborah <>< 

If you have any thoughts on this or any of my other blogs please comment bellow.  

"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:19

It has been a while since I started a blog post from scratch looking at a bible passage but as I read this one posted on twitter this morning a thought crossed my mind and I realised it was prevalent.

Yesterday the community of Cranmer Hall and Wesley study Centre went to an island of the Holy variety on a 'quiet' day. It was not so much quiet but it was a lovely day out. 

If any of you have been to Holy Island and Lindisfarne you will know that the causeway is completely cut off at certain times, as the tide comes in, which results in no access; the island is in fact an island. 

As we drove back yesterday evening the tides had started to turn and the water was slowly  making pathways across the sand. We commented on how it could 'sneak' up on you, as it wasn't an obvious surge of water. Before you know it you would be surrounded and stuck in a box on the top of polls for hours. 

As I read this passage it make me think of those streams in the sand. 

When God is working it doesn't always hit us like a wave hitting the shore line but actually moves slowly. 

Without the water this area looks like a 'wasteland', but surrounding the causeway was bright green luscious fields and trees. Without God we have desolate, pointless lives but if we allow Him to fill us with His streams of living water, ever be it slowly, before we know it we will be full and the things around us will be green and beautiful, fruitful and luscious. 

I don't know if you have a faith and are reading this. I do and to be honest I am feeling a bit like a barren wasteland at the moment. When i wrote this blog on Friday I was not looking forward to that evening, as many of our community are leaving us to start their ministry in the areas to which God has called them, which means at the same time I am hugely excited for them! 

So in a very practical sense God is starting a new thing, both for them and for us who are physically remaining in the community. 

So I think the passage hit me on many levels. The great thing is that this is an encouraging passage in which I know God is saying He has great and has exciting things planned, I simply need to let Him move, be it ever so slowly, and fill me up with His water.

Here is a picture of us all having a service on Holy Island - the Island was our chapel:

'...I was given a thorn in my flesh...' 2 Cornithians 13:1

It's a hard week!! 

This week was dubbed 'School's week', why? Well as it says on the tin; because we, as trainee vicars and Methodist ministers had been divided into groups and allocated to various schools across Durham so we could gain a greater understanding of how our future role might relate to those in the education sector; both staff and pupils. It involves two days of teaching (Monday and Friday) and three days in a school. From what I understand it has been a highly informative few days and brought to light to many who have never experienced schools before, the amazing job our teachers and teaching assistants do within our country. This had led to some serious prayer for our education system and I am sure will continue to do so. 

I say 'from what I understand' because I have not been partaking in this. No, rather I have been, somewhat limited to the sofa with the highlight of my day being to see one or two people I love and watching West wing. There are worse things in life I hear you say, and you are right. But it has been a week of me facing hard realities. 

As I said in my previous post I have been diagnosed with Post-Viral fatigue. This was something I hoped would dramatically improve far quicker than it is doing. In the last week I have suffered a major setback. In part this is because I insist on pushing my body at times when I should allow it to rest. You see what I have not fully appreciated is that although I am doing less than I would like to do I am still doing too much and my body, quite simply can not face it. A week on Monday ago I had to keep going; I had a Greek exam to sit on the Tuesday and All-Age worship to run. I would ordinarily have not done the all age worship but I believe God had made it clear to me that I should, so I fell into His loving arms and He carried me through it. And do you know what? It was great because God was in control. However, health wise it was a bad day. It was a day of running purely on Sugar and Caffeine. Never a good idea!! 

I made it through Tuesday too but by Wednesday I was flagging. I was no longer allowing myself to pump myself up on sugar. So by Thursday I couldn't leave the house, I was achey and tired. I still had some work to do, so although I took it slowly I had to press on. I also had social engagements; it is important to have some highlights in your day! Come Monday I was still exhausted, but determined to face a year six trip and at least engage with schools week on this one day. That was until two wise and loving friends sat me down and told me not to be so stupid. They were on this placement with me but they needed only look at me with love and I was a blubbering wreck all over them. 

It is not fair. I know life is not fair but it's also really really hard and sucks. I love working in schools, it is what I have done for years. In some ways there is nothing left for me to learn, on the other hand I just love working with children and staff members in schools. It makes my heart sing. Children can be such a delight and it is an honour to support hard working members of staff who work in our schools. But I have not been able to. I have been too unwell. 

It has been a wise choice not to be in school but sometimes I hate having to make the sensible option, especially when it feels as though I have no choice as it has been taken out of my hands. 

So needless to say there have been a lot of tears shed over the last couple of days as I continue to wrestle with this knowledge that I can not do everything I want to do, sometimes I can't even do a little. 

In amongst all this I have found it hard to relate to God. I know I have a good God! I know He loves me, because He tells me over and over again!!! I know He see's what I can not see and He has good plans for me! But right now it is hard. 

In college we have been studying psalms in our college communion services on Tuesday nights. This week I could not be there but I have heard all about it. From what I understand He preached on a Psalm and pointed out that God creates darkness as well as light so when we are in dark times in our lives things continue to be hard, but God is there. This pretty much summarises my week. Still, in the midst of the darkness I know God is here and that is always an amazing privilege! 

To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.” Mark 12:33

I wrote my last blog on how we are deep, complex holistic beings and referred to 'living life to the full'. As I have continued through the programme of block teaching on Human Sexuality and Gender I have been simultaneously faced with what one does when one is faced with an addition to the complexities already presented in life. In basic; I have post-viral fatigue and I am learning to live with it. 

In December, after a crazy first term at Cranmer Hall, I faced a different block teaching week. This one was on Practical Theology.

I find all I am studying is interesting but, aside from preaching and mission, I believe (and you may think differently) that practical theology is what being at theological college training for ministry is about. I mean, how often am I, in practise, going to use New Testament Greek, in comparison to listening skills? At least I hope my listening and reflection skills will be used way more often! 

So, although we were all exhausted, I was looking forward to it. Not to mention I love our year group, we are huge, we can be controversial, we love a good debate but mostly we laugh and love being together. Me being me I tried to encourage everyone to enjoy it as much as they possibly could. Do you know what? They did! But I was not there to see it. Why? Because I was beyond exhausted. When I say I could not leave the house I am not exaggerating!! I managed the first day, nearly. I spent a good half an hour of our last session of the day trying not to cry and then someone tried to tease me and I could no longer hold it back; I burst into tears and left the room. 

I was heart broken. This is what I wanted to learn about but I was too tired! I could not even sit in the lectures. Thank goodness we have a loving and gracious God. One of my lecturers also suffers from post-viral fatigue; what are the odds?! And sent me home to bed. 

The next day I rested in the morning and headed in for lunch in the hope that determinedly pushing through might help. However, it does not when you have chronic fatigue...as I was to find out. We had group presentations for Wednesday so I headed home to work on our PowerPoint. However, Wednesday proved a no-go day and I flopped on the sofa. 

On the Thursday I went in but couldn't stand during morning prayer and everyone kept asking if I should be in. I knew I wasn't contagious to anyone but myself. I also knew they were right and came home angry at God. Why was this happening to me? Why was I poorly? Why could I not be at the lectures I had desperately wanted to be at all day?! Everyone else was getting to enjoy them!

God simply said 'I want you to love yourself as much as you love everyone else.' 

Wow!

In short I didn't make it to any more lectures that week and, as I said, I have been now diagnosed with Chronic post-viral fatigue. It majorly restricts what I can do in every area of my life and when I 'hit the wall' as I have done this week I know there is nothing I can do but return to the sofa. 

Do I believe God has given me this illness? I'm not sure that fits with my theology. I believe bad things happen and sometimes God allows them to and they can be used for His glory, even if we do not allow ourselves to see it. 
Truth is, although I am struggling, I know I am majorly blessed by God aside and through those He has brought to journey with me! I also know He is teaching me, bit by bit, how to love myself.