Bitter sweet 2

 Living with Chronic post-viral fatigue is never easy. But throw in Christmas season, where as a trainee vicar and ministers daughter the load is slightly more. As well as buying, wrapping and exchanging presents, helping cook the Christmas dinner for all nine of us round the Christmas table, there are services beyond measure, preparing, taking and generally being there for people and 'catching up'. All which I love!! But no longer have the energy to sustain. 

This is frustrating. 

As I say, I love it all. I love baking, socialising, catching up, serving and being with people, but I can't stand around for long, I can't keep standing and sitting for songs, or if I do I don't have any energy to talk to people, or tidy up afterwards. 

But what is societies view?..... She is being lazy!! 

Argh!! I want to scream. The truth is I could do it last year, sit around and allow myself to not 'play the game' as I was sooooo poorly, but this year...well I care too much what people think is the cusp of it. I know I shouldn't but I do. On top of that I don't count my disability as giving me an excuse, but the truth is I don't want to be disabled. I want to be well. 

But if I keep convincing myself I am well I eventually hit a wall, like today. I am tired. I want to cry. My arms ache so I can barely lift them. I'm tired of being poorly and it impacting every area of my life. Praise God I have been able to do more this year but by no means can I do everything.

Sorry for the moan, that is not what I intend at all. I believe in seeing the hope in all situations and I certainly do see the hope in my own. The bible tells us 'God works everything for the good of those who love Him...' But many people forget the second half which states 'according to His will and purpose.' (Romans 8:28) You see in all things, the good and the bad God works them for good, but not the good we necessarily expect. Nor the good which we classify it as but rather as the 'good' He sees and understands. Very often this is not something we would deem as good, because as humans we have a limited view of things. However, it is what God knows and understands which dictates His actions and often we simply need to trust, even when things seem scary and out of our control. 

I wonder how Mary felt, she had been told by an angel that she would have a baby, she had remained faithful to God, so how could He, a loving generous God do this to her?! What if Joseph divorced her? That wouldn't look good!! She might never get married, what would her parents say? They would never believe her!

Now we know, in the aftermath of the story that an angel appears and tells Joseph to marry Mary but she didn't know that was going to happen, did she? And we are not given a time spectrum so it may have been when she had already started to show, at 14 in a society dependant on men for women to exist and survive, how was this a 'good' plan by God? 

And yet, now we see the bigger picture and know it was good. Because of their faith in God Mary and Joseph were entrusted with the job of rearing Jesus, God incarnate. The ultimate gift. But it is only good within God's plans and purposes and when the bigger picture is known. 

In some ways I know my fatigue is a gift from God and He is working it for good, but at present I don't see the bigger picture and in the nitty gritty of life it is difficult, but I keep trusting God. In the mean time I will share my frustrations and be real with you, because I am not called to live a dishonest life. In fact I am called to share a vulnerable one, for that is when God shines through. If there are no cracks the light can not be released!! At the same time when the cracks are revealed, it stings. Bitter sweet I once blogged and bitter sweet it remains.  

Numb?!

Numb?!

Chiming bells, candles, cinnamon smells and jiggly tunes consume us at this time of the year. Why? Simple. It's Christmas! 
"But what does that mean?"  The vicar asks for the hundredth time, and we all know it has something to do with God and Jesus. 
Yet most of us bustle around, trying to narrowly avoid each other as we dash from store to store. Parents squeal in excitement as they announce how they are off to see "Little Molly as Mary and Tom a shepherd." We may even bring ourselves to roll into church and sing a few carols but do we mean what they declare? Have we even thought about it? 
Or are we numb?! 

Last Tuesday evening I sat through a beautiful candle lit (and glow stick) carol service in Durham Cathedral and sang some well crafted carols, but did I really take stock of what I was partaking in? Or was I numb?!

How many of us watch versions of the nativity and smile at the cuteness of small children dressed up and concern ourselves with whether our little darling has remembered their lines or not, but do we ever ponder the significance of the Christmas message? 
Or are we numb?!

After all, it all seems a little strange doesn't it? Every year we spend a fortune, cook, then consume, more than we ever do at any time of the year and furthermore we dress children up in blue, white, brown, gold, red and, increasingly, orange (- chickens are making more and more of an appearance in Bethlehem these days). And why?

This thought has recently struck me. I know the nativity story inside and out; angel appears to Mary, tells her she will have a baby and he will be the saviour of the world, then the angel goes to Joseph to ensure he also knows and will still marry Mary, then they have to leave their home to go to the place of Joseph's birth, they end up having Jesus and putting Him in a manger, angels appear to shepherds who turn up to celebrate Jesus' birth, meanwhile a star has appeared in the sky and some wise people head towards Bethlehem too. Of course what the majority of nativity's fail to take account off is Herod's request for all boys under the age off two to be killed - i.e. The wise people did not turn up on the night of His birth. Also in none of the four accounts of Jesus' life is a donkey mentioned. Just saying.

Now don't get me wrong there is nothing too wrong with any of these things, I love Christmas, and do not believe in being a humbug!! But I wonder what God thinks. Does He wonder why on earth we put ourselves through this every year? Does he sit, with a bemused parent expression on His face, smiling as He watches us dash about muttering under our breaths? Does He sigh and think 'this was supposed to be so simple! Christmas is about love.' 

You might be thinking 'I know that!' True, but for whom from whom? 

Christmas is about God's love for you!! Me, the person next to you, your best friend, your parents...each and every single person. If only you had been on the earth God would have arranged Christmas the way it happened over 2,000 years ago because He LOVES YOU!!!

That's Amazing!!

Now when I stop to remember that the baby we see in the manger is the manifestation of God and His love I can't be numb. I get excited!!

This is what Christmas is about - the fact God loves me, you, us!! 

And suddenly I don't just sing another carol, I think about the one I am singing it for. The one I am thanking, of thinking me worthy enough to love in such an amazing way. And you know what? If there is nothing about the nativity story which is significant the why do we celebrate Christmas and go through this rigmarole?! 

Watching a nativity as it tells me how God sent the only gift worth receiving this Christmas I am no longer numb, are you?! 

Being colour and light Matt 5:14-16 MSG

“Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven. (Matthew 5:14-16 MSG)


I think this passage says it all on it's own but it is especially significant for me this morning. For  I have read this passage just before I am about to be placed on a great hill - a stage in the metro centre. I am scared and nervous, and yet excited because I know God loves those who will be there and wants to use this opportunity for His glory, and there is nothing more exciting than sharing God with those He loves!!
This passage also speaks of a promise to me - God has gone before me, He knows those who will be there to hear His message. So I can have peace that He will use it to show His love to His creation.
It is affirmation; what I am doing is the right thing, He is proud of me and loves me. 
Being a light is significant for me and the phrase used here of 'bringing out the God-colors' is a major thing for me! I love colour and I believe God does too, otherwise why would He have created it?! I love dressing colourfully - I believe colour can brighten someone's day, it helps people smile, as does light. We need both in our lives otherwise we get depressed as humans. God knew this and that is why He refers to Himself in the bible in such a way, as we need Him and He brightens our lives.
So if God is encouraging me to be both light and colour for Him today that is great encouragement for me because that is what I seek to do, in and through the power and strength of Christ by His Holy Spirit, not just today but always but if He especially wishes to use today then praise God :-) 
“Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven. (Matthew 5:14-16 MSG)

‘Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.’ (1 Samuel 16:7 NIVUK)

What happens when we look at something and get one impression but when we explore beyond the surface appearance another reality is revealed?

 Recently I have become addicted to the great British bake off. One of the competitors has been told repeatedly that 'substance' takes precedence over style, as she has presented the most externally pleasing designs but has consequentially produced tasteless art - fine perhaps if like Picasso your work is not to be physically consumed but not so great when it's purpose is to be enjoyably edible. 

What is presented on the outside is not always consistent and therefore reflective of what is within. 

A phrase which is said to me often is "You look well today." 

What a compliment eh? And one I do not knock, however the problem is it is in fact difficult to tell whether I am well or not. As I often look fine, yet, due to having post viral fatigue, do not feel well within myself. Even those with years of experience in this complex illness find it difficult to tell when I am having an 'off' day and when I am genuinely fine. 

This in turn, causes a conflict; a) for those who look at and observe my external demeanour yet hear something contradictory and b) within myself. 

In the case of a) I believe people are loving and caring, for the most part, and want to see me be well and healthy, however there are also many misunderstandings about my illness which are played out in my relationships every day. This would be problem enough in most people's existence but thrown into living in a community of around 70 trainee vicars and ministers who eat, fellowship, study, work, serve, relax etc alongside one another, the intensity increases. So whereas the average person may be observed, commented on, or asked how they are a few times within a day this massively increases within my environment. And this combination of misunderstandings mixed with the care, love and longing to understand which my friends/family here offer often leads to their unhelpful phrase of encouragement "You look well today." 

While within me I see, experience and relish their love and care, balancing their multitude of gazes, actions and comments with the uncertainty of how I feel at that exact comment.  And ponder whether I burst their bubble with honesty or chose the simple answer; 'Thank you' accompanied by a smile. 

It has taken me a while to allow myself to acknowledge there are no right or wrong answers in this situation, actually what is right for one person may not be right for another. Also, I like to be honest with people but there is no possible way, and neither is it wise, to divulge the intricacies of how I am feeling to all who ask the question "How are you today?" Instead, in true British style, I respond with "I'm fine thanks, and you?" and do not condone myself for not being a hundred percent truthful all of the time - the fact is I am fine, but that covers so many areas it is unreal!

It has also taken me a while to realise that just because people say I look well it does not mean that how I actually feel is invalid. However, I am still learning to adjust, as are those around me, and this is a juxtaposition I believe I may have to continue adapting to for a while and it is certainly teaching me to not judge how someone is based on their external appearance. As very often, yes this can be a good implication but not always, and I now ask myself 'am I genuinely prepared for what the answer may be to the question "how are you?" 

Deborah <>< 

If you have any thoughts on this or any of my other blogs please comment bellow.  

"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:19

It has been a while since I started a blog post from scratch looking at a bible passage but as I read this one posted on twitter this morning a thought crossed my mind and I realised it was prevalent.

Yesterday the community of Cranmer Hall and Wesley study Centre went to an island of the Holy variety on a 'quiet' day. It was not so much quiet but it was a lovely day out. 

If any of you have been to Holy Island and Lindisfarne you will know that the causeway is completely cut off at certain times, as the tide comes in, which results in no access; the island is in fact an island. 

As we drove back yesterday evening the tides had started to turn and the water was slowly  making pathways across the sand. We commented on how it could 'sneak' up on you, as it wasn't an obvious surge of water. Before you know it you would be surrounded and stuck in a box on the top of polls for hours. 

As I read this passage it make me think of those streams in the sand. 

When God is working it doesn't always hit us like a wave hitting the shore line but actually moves slowly. 

Without the water this area looks like a 'wasteland', but surrounding the causeway was bright green luscious fields and trees. Without God we have desolate, pointless lives but if we allow Him to fill us with His streams of living water, ever be it slowly, before we know it we will be full and the things around us will be green and beautiful, fruitful and luscious. 

I don't know if you have a faith and are reading this. I do and to be honest I am feeling a bit like a barren wasteland at the moment. When i wrote this blog on Friday I was not looking forward to that evening, as many of our community are leaving us to start their ministry in the areas to which God has called them, which means at the same time I am hugely excited for them! 

So in a very practical sense God is starting a new thing, both for them and for us who are physically remaining in the community. 

So I think the passage hit me on many levels. The great thing is that this is an encouraging passage in which I know God is saying He has great and has exciting things planned, I simply need to let Him move, be it ever so slowly, and fill me up with His water.

Here is a picture of us all having a service on Holy Island - the Island was our chapel:

'...I was given a thorn in my flesh...' 2 Cornithians 13:1

It's a hard week!! 

This week was dubbed 'School's week', why? Well as it says on the tin; because we, as trainee vicars and Methodist ministers had been divided into groups and allocated to various schools across Durham so we could gain a greater understanding of how our future role might relate to those in the education sector; both staff and pupils. It involves two days of teaching (Monday and Friday) and three days in a school. From what I understand it has been a highly informative few days and brought to light to many who have never experienced schools before, the amazing job our teachers and teaching assistants do within our country. This had led to some serious prayer for our education system and I am sure will continue to do so. 

I say 'from what I understand' because I have not been partaking in this. No, rather I have been, somewhat limited to the sofa with the highlight of my day being to see one or two people I love and watching West wing. There are worse things in life I hear you say, and you are right. But it has been a week of me facing hard realities. 

As I said in my previous post I have been diagnosed with Post-Viral fatigue. This was something I hoped would dramatically improve far quicker than it is doing. In the last week I have suffered a major setback. In part this is because I insist on pushing my body at times when I should allow it to rest. You see what I have not fully appreciated is that although I am doing less than I would like to do I am still doing too much and my body, quite simply can not face it. A week on Monday ago I had to keep going; I had a Greek exam to sit on the Tuesday and All-Age worship to run. I would ordinarily have not done the all age worship but I believe God had made it clear to me that I should, so I fell into His loving arms and He carried me through it. And do you know what? It was great because God was in control. However, health wise it was a bad day. It was a day of running purely on Sugar and Caffeine. Never a good idea!! 

I made it through Tuesday too but by Wednesday I was flagging. I was no longer allowing myself to pump myself up on sugar. So by Thursday I couldn't leave the house, I was achey and tired. I still had some work to do, so although I took it slowly I had to press on. I also had social engagements; it is important to have some highlights in your day! Come Monday I was still exhausted, but determined to face a year six trip and at least engage with schools week on this one day. That was until two wise and loving friends sat me down and told me not to be so stupid. They were on this placement with me but they needed only look at me with love and I was a blubbering wreck all over them. 

It is not fair. I know life is not fair but it's also really really hard and sucks. I love working in schools, it is what I have done for years. In some ways there is nothing left for me to learn, on the other hand I just love working with children and staff members in schools. It makes my heart sing. Children can be such a delight and it is an honour to support hard working members of staff who work in our schools. But I have not been able to. I have been too unwell. 

It has been a wise choice not to be in school but sometimes I hate having to make the sensible option, especially when it feels as though I have no choice as it has been taken out of my hands. 

So needless to say there have been a lot of tears shed over the last couple of days as I continue to wrestle with this knowledge that I can not do everything I want to do, sometimes I can't even do a little. 

In amongst all this I have found it hard to relate to God. I know I have a good God! I know He loves me, because He tells me over and over again!!! I know He see's what I can not see and He has good plans for me! But right now it is hard. 

In college we have been studying psalms in our college communion services on Tuesday nights. This week I could not be there but I have heard all about it. From what I understand He preached on a Psalm and pointed out that God creates darkness as well as light so when we are in dark times in our lives things continue to be hard, but God is there. This pretty much summarises my week. Still, in the midst of the darkness I know God is here and that is always an amazing privilege! 

To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.” Mark 12:33

I wrote my last blog on how we are deep, complex holistic beings and referred to 'living life to the full'. As I have continued through the programme of block teaching on Human Sexuality and Gender I have been simultaneously faced with what one does when one is faced with an addition to the complexities already presented in life. In basic; I have post-viral fatigue and I am learning to live with it. 

In December, after a crazy first term at Cranmer Hall, I faced a different block teaching week. This one was on Practical Theology.

I find all I am studying is interesting but, aside from preaching and mission, I believe (and you may think differently) that practical theology is what being at theological college training for ministry is about. I mean, how often am I, in practise, going to use New Testament Greek, in comparison to listening skills? At least I hope my listening and reflection skills will be used way more often! 

So, although we were all exhausted, I was looking forward to it. Not to mention I love our year group, we are huge, we can be controversial, we love a good debate but mostly we laugh and love being together. Me being me I tried to encourage everyone to enjoy it as much as they possibly could. Do you know what? They did! But I was not there to see it. Why? Because I was beyond exhausted. When I say I could not leave the house I am not exaggerating!! I managed the first day, nearly. I spent a good half an hour of our last session of the day trying not to cry and then someone tried to tease me and I could no longer hold it back; I burst into tears and left the room. 

I was heart broken. This is what I wanted to learn about but I was too tired! I could not even sit in the lectures. Thank goodness we have a loving and gracious God. One of my lecturers also suffers from post-viral fatigue; what are the odds?! And sent me home to bed. 

The next day I rested in the morning and headed in for lunch in the hope that determinedly pushing through might help. However, it does not when you have chronic fatigue...as I was to find out. We had group presentations for Wednesday so I headed home to work on our PowerPoint. However, Wednesday proved a no-go day and I flopped on the sofa. 

On the Thursday I went in but couldn't stand during morning prayer and everyone kept asking if I should be in. I knew I wasn't contagious to anyone but myself. I also knew they were right and came home angry at God. Why was this happening to me? Why was I poorly? Why could I not be at the lectures I had desperately wanted to be at all day?! Everyone else was getting to enjoy them!

God simply said 'I want you to love yourself as much as you love everyone else.' 

Wow!

In short I didn't make it to any more lectures that week and, as I said, I have been now diagnosed with Chronic post-viral fatigue. It majorly restricts what I can do in every area of my life and when I 'hit the wall' as I have done this week I know there is nothing I can do but return to the sofa. 

Do I believe God has given me this illness? I'm not sure that fits with my theology. I believe bad things happen and sometimes God allows them to and they can be used for His glory, even if we do not allow ourselves to see it. 
Truth is, although I am struggling, I know I am majorly blessed by God aside and through those He has brought to journey with me! I also know He is teaching me, bit by bit, how to love myself.    

'...darkness isn't dark to you; night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you. 13 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb. 14 I thank you, High God - you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made...' Psalm 139 MSG

We are deeply complex and holistic beings.

This has been a fact which has struck me at the end of an incredibly challenging week; mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. 

You may, or may not, know that I am a trainee vicar at theological college. On Sunday we re-congregated together in worship and food (two of the core principles of Christian's when they hang out together) before facing one of the most challenging weeks of our time here at Cranmer Hall (the training establishment). Yes, if I thought learning New Testament Greek on a Monday morning at 9am was tough I had not seen anything yet!! 

Whilst the second years assembled to grievously face death and dying in one area of the building, we gathered to consciously explore human sexuality and gender. 

I always knew it was going to be hard and we would face facts, issues and situations which we never, particularly I believe as British individuals, want to expose but as trainee vicars is essential we do for the good of our own well being as well as for those we are pastorally responsible for, on many levels. 

Questions have arisen, which I never knew existed within me, and I have heard testimonies i honestly never wanted to hear and learnt things I didn't know regarding human sexuality, which I now do. All this has led me to reflect the statement I made at the beginning; we are deeply complex and holistic beings. 

We try, in our society, to separate ourselves into different categories. We talk of body, mind, spirit and soul. But we can not; we are whole. While using our body in some way our soul, spirit and mind are also engaged. This is true when we are using any area of our being, the others are always active, especially when it comes to core elements of who we are made to be, one being our sexuality. Whether this is in how we define ourselves; male or female, or whether this is to do with sexual preference, it is a essential element of our identity. Perhaps compartmentalising them would be easier, or more measurable, or even easier to comprehend but it is just not possible. On the surface we may kid ourselves that we have managed it, but at the core we have not and will not. We are holistic.

This if course, makes us complex. There are so many areas and elements which influence our day-by-day, minute-by-minute, second-by-second, decisions. These range from genetics to social agents. A few if which we are aware, many if which most of use are unaware. There are so many it is impossible to list, we are complex. 

And all if this stems from or influences, as you have seen, our core. The very centre of our being. Our identity. It is deep. 

Last week I started a blog which considered how we 'live life to the full'. Due to my incredibly slow typing ability and brain power I did not manage to finish it. Here is what i wrote;


'You're half a century old' came the phrase from one of my best friends as I opened her e-mail this morning to wish me a happy birthday. Followed by the cheeky comment; have you done anything useful yet...?  She did add she was just joking but it is certainly something worth considering.

I have seen many cards and signs which state 'Live life to the full!' But I wonder what society take this phrase to mean.....

Does it mean staying up late into the early hours drinking, dancing, having a 'good time' by getting sore feet from high heels which cut into your circulation, or pneumonia from wearing short skirts and low tops in the freezing English weather, or bragging to your mates about how many girls you can 'bang' in a week/month/year (delete as appropriate)? How about the dream house, job, family? Is living life to the full about earning the right pay packet which allows for a good car, not the best but suitable, paying for the children's extra circular activities, a hot holiday at least once a year, time spent in work but equally balanced by time at home, talking of home; it has to look modern but classic, neat but lived in and you need to have the latest home appliances but not too modern...is this life to the full?
What about how much time you spend with your friends? Or just being a 'good person'?

Sadly I think many within our society see 'life to the full' in this way. But if it is I am living a completely un-full life. In fact I'm failing miserably!! 

When I was university, the first time round, I remember standing at my kitchen window watching as the freshers headed out on their nights of fun and fulfilment. I stood in my p-j's thinking 'what is wrong with me? Am I weird, strange, have I got this all wrong?' And slowly I walked back to my room. As I did so and slumped on my bed a thought popped into my mind 'Do you think you're wrong? Do you want to be there?' In that moment I realised I didn't want to be out clubbing that night. No I wanted to be exactly where I was. I might be weird, I'm not sure I've ever fitted in with my peers but that doesn't make me wrong. The fact is that I go clubbing a couple of times at uni and before but I just didn't like it. I didn't like seeing people drink till they were completely inoculated, or being 'felt up' on the dance floor. I don't mind a drink with friends and i love to dance but every time I came home from clubbing I felt degraded and depressed not happy, not as though that was the best thing in life. In fact, all I have ever wanted to do in a club is tell those there the 'THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN THIS!!!' 

As for owning the ideal home, having the 'perfect family' and all the correct gadgets. Well, I don't own a home yet and I am going into a profession which, well...doesn't pay great...and so far I haven't got a boyfriend or had one since I was 16... So I'm far removed from building the 'perfect family'. 



In light of the last week I am not sure how it entirely fits in, other than, I am convinced if we do not accept that we are deeply complex holistic beings we can not live life to the full and the things I share above clearly point out just how complex we need things to be for us to believe we have achieved 'living life to the full'. 

For circumstances outside any if our control, we have not been able to look at the theological foundation section of this module. Thus on Wednesday morning I arrived at college, having debated with myself the day before, whether I had 'got things wrong'. In the morning reflection and first session of teaching I felt my eyes re-focus on God and encouraged to look at the facts we have had presented to us in the light of the truth we know about God. With this re-alignment of thought I realised it was not that I 'had got things wrong' but rather I had allowed my mind to become overwhelmed by the 'facts' which the previous two days had presented. 
Once again I found as my thoughts re-aligned I found a intricate peace. Having been forced to examine messy and complex issues has re-enforced in an informed way, many of my beliefs and is strengthening my relationship with God. 

This is not tidy and therefore I do not feel I can 'sweep' everything up at the end of this blog and 'round it off nicely'...after all we are deeply complex holistic beings.... 

Train stations, fun, funerals, donuts and friends.

Looking over the railcards I have acquired over the last eight to ten months I thought I could easily predict what would be there, and to a small extent I was right; yep, there were the tickets from York to St Mary Cray (Where my parents live) and from York to Durham (from one home to the other) and vice versa. However, it was the journey's I had forgotten which struck me with emotion the most. 

There was the ticket stating: York to Frodsham. Last summer my very good friend Vicky turned 21. For her birthday day she invited me home to meet her friends and family there. Vicky and I studied in York at the same time and went to the same church. We had developed a deep friendship over three years. Although I had met her parents before I had not met her friends from home, l had however heard plenty of stories. It was enlightening to partake in her home life, and an amazing few days of 'firsts' for me and fulfilment's for us both. For example this trip included, eating Chinese in a Chinese restaurant (something i had not done in years!), drinking in the local pub, then walking home the route Vicky had taken as a teenager every week, visiting Wales (A first for me), going to the smallest cathedral in the UK, seeing BRAVE at the cinema, going to Chester for the day, Vicky driving us back to York. It was a fantastic few days and one of the highlights of my summer.

Two other tickets stated: York to Edinburgh and Dunbar to York. Normally this journey is hinged with excitement and joy. I was born in Edinburgh and for years we have taken family holidays to visit my godparents and grandmother. It has always been a place of adventures, laughter, stunning views and family fun. This journey was the exception. 

In late September, early October my grandmother was rushed into hospital and had a stroke which left her incapacitated. Having heard the news my mother rushed to Scotland, thanks to God's graciousness she had already booked a flight in advance for another purpose. Once there, she informed me grandma had little time to live, she was predicted a week. 

On this basis I took this journey. It is one I will never forget. It was the inevitable, we had for years wondered how this would pan out and occur but never once could I have predicted quite how the chain of events did take place. For starters you can only guess, based on self-reflection and previous experience, how you may respond emotionally to such situations but until I am faced with the reality of the situation I never quite remember how I will feel. That was certainly the case this time. I had not predicted that the night before I travelled I would run through memories of us when I was younger, the games, adventures and stories we had shared. Tears streaming down my cheeks as I realised just how much I have always loved her. Now they seem like distant memories once again, but in that moment I relived them and knew I had to share them with my grandmother. 

When I arrived mum was far calmer than I thought she would be and much more resolved to the situation. Grandma however, was far worse than I could have imagined. As a Christian I am always keen for those I love to know Jesus as their Lord and saviour. Based on this I prayed earnestly for grandma, as I have for years, but particularly next to her bed. She slept most of the time, linked up to morpheme and other fluids. Mum and I mostly talked, as sunshine streamed through the windows and we observed the other patients, staff and visitors.
I think laughter helps us process things, whether they are good or bad. As a family it is certainly a policy we adopt. So even here, in this hospice room mum, Elaine (my godmother) and I found time to laugh. Still it was a deeply difficult time. I took the moments alone to share with grandma the memories I had had and to tell her I loved her, that I believed God loved her and that if she accepted His love and forgiveness even now He would accept her. 

You never know in those last moments exactly what is going on under the surface. One thing we do know is that hearing is the last thing to go and those we love in these situations can try and respond. Grandma was always stubborn and she certainly continued to fight the nurses, in whatever little way she could. For example, as they attempted to do her hair. So although as surprise to me, mum and the staff were not, when she brightened slightly at hearing my voice. Then as I left to return to York, as I told her for the last time that I loved her and God did too, she cried.

The next journey I took to Scotland was only a week and a half later. During which time I had said goodbye to many friends and extended family. I had lived in York the longest period of time I have ever lived anywhere; six years (we moved a lot as I was growing up). Saying goodbye to colleagues, friends and adoptive family members was painfully difficult and it felt somewhat overshadowed by planning the move, complicated by attending a funeral.

There is not a train ticket stating this journey as rather it occurred by car and was broken, briefly, with moving things into my new home in Durham. Then collecting two brothers from Sunderland. 

The next time a train ticket was produced it was post funeral and the mass cleanup of grandmas's house had started. I hadn't stopped for weeks, everything had been quite full-on and had needed to be. I didn't want to appear lazy but I was tired; emotionally, physically and spiritually. Saying goodbye demands a lot. 

As I got on another train from Dunbar, at the same station I had stood on only two weeks previously, I felt a deep pang as I realised I had said goodbye to so much in such a short period of time. 

Mum and I had had a joke about how I needed to remember to get off in Durham and not York, but at least if I got to Northallerton I could get off and turn around. 

As it happens my next train ticket says; Durham to Northallerton return. Not because I forgot to get off in Durham however. No. Rather because, for the first time in my life I had left my phone on the train. Getting off at the station I realised the mistake I had made and spoke to one of the guards. He said it happened all the time. They contacted the train, located my phone and told me to get on a train to Northallerton and I could collect it there. As it was, there had been a new donut shop opened in Durham and they wanted to send their colleagues some donuts and thus asked if I would mind dropping them off for them. I was stunned, not only was I told I could have one if I wanted, but on Sunday as I had stood in church being prayed for I had seen in my mind a picture of a donut. This made absolutely no sense to me at the time and still doesn't now but I can't help thinking it wasn't a coincidence. 

I managed to get my phone back and eventually headed down the hill to my new house. At which I tried to open the door and found my key didn't work. I was locked out. Exhausted and feeling completely helpless I dissolved into floods of tears. I had had enough! 

Pulling myself together I picked up my phone and called the college office in the hopes someone might come and rescue me. Thankfully they sent one of my new housemates to let me in.

Completely lost; emotionally and physically, probably from fatigue, I slowly climbed the hill to college for the first time, this has become a daily part of my life now, and joined in the drinks with the undergraduates while trying to act 'normally'. 

On my arrival I was met by one of the most lovely people I now know, given a massive hug and offered a glass of wine. Soon another fantastic person was by my side and we have been pretty inseparable since. Fiona and Rachel have been the cornerstones of life at Cranmer Hall; amazing Godly women who have been used by God to bless and challenge me in so many incredible ways!

As I look back, the journey hasn't gotten any easier or slowed down any. It is still as fast paced. Not unlike a train journey. Every so often there are stops, but as I am not getting off I never get a real chance to experience what these places may be like. 

Right now I am sat on another train heading south bound. My ticket this time says York to London and in a week or mores time there will be another ticket which claims I will be travelling to Durham from London and I shall resume my journey there. 

When I take this journey I shall be facing, yet another unpredictable situation; a term unlike the previous two (not that I think you can predict life at Cranmer, unless it is vague). But this term doesn't even hold the same modules, and at the end of it, I shall be faced with saying goodbyes to more friends, who are again more like family, as they start a new journey of their own. I have been dreading this reality since I first met them. Fiona shall be one of them, and although I am excited at the new adventure she and other closes friends will be experiencing, I shall miss her terribly. However, one thing is for sure, had I never left  York and moved to Durham I would never have met her, or Rachel, or the others I love there. And I am still in close contact with those I love in York and have just enjoyed a fantastic week catching up with them.

So what am I learning? So much!!! 

But mostly, enjoy the journey. There will be surprises along the way, some great and exciting and good, others painful and unwished for, but either way fully emerge yourself in them and you will find you change and experience things you could never have dreamed.  

The other thing is God will always be providing good things, however bad things get!

So where does your next ticket destination tell you you are headed? Who might you meet?  What might you experience? Let yourself and see where the next journey leads you....

And behold, the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom; and the earth shook and the rocks were split. Matt 27:51

Ok, it's official; I'm either passionate about what I do or I have finally lost the plot. As the latter has always been true and I never had the plot, it is safe to say I am passionate about what I do. for those of you who are unaware i am currently training to be a vicar in the Crch of England.

I have reached the end of Term two: Year One already, ya what?! I hear you say, I know I can hardly believe they are still allowing me to train after that period of time too.....oh and yes, it has passed rather quickly. Though intensely, might I add....

So what makes me passionate, well I have decided, in my wisdom, that it might be interesting to try wearing the liturgical colours which the church has at the right times for the correct season as a form of discipline. 

'What are liturgical colours?' I hear you ask. What an excellent question! I reply. They are the different colours which the church uses to symbolise significant events which the church celebrates throughout the year. For example, red is used to celebrate the shedding of blood, thus saints days and Holy Week (this week) are red, purple however signifies kingship and a period of waiting so this is the colour used during advent and lent, green symbolises ordinary life and thus when nothing is being celebrated green is the colour, white is for celebrations so used at Christmas and Easter, as well as weddings, baptisms and confirmations. Normally these colours appear on the vestments (the clothes clergy wear) and church hangings at the appropriate time. 

A few weeks ago, just before lent actually, an idea sprang to my mind; why not symbolise these colours in other ways. The colours have been specifically chosen to symbolise different events, therefore why not have a daily reminder?

Yes, we decorate the building which the church meets in but as the people who meet to worship God together we are the actual church, therefore why not dress ourselves in these symbolic colours to share with all we meet this symbolism, even subtly, and daily remind ourselves of their significance.

Therefore, for the last eight weeks my nails have been painted the correct liturgical colour. That's right, I LOVE having my nails painted and I wondered how it might be rather than them be painted any random colour I fancied, what if they had a theme? What if they symbolised something? Could I go a whole year wearing the correct liturgical colours on my nails? 

The short answer is; I'll have a try. So I started with green, in ordinary time. The downside to this plan is there is a LOT of green over the summer and thus before I committed I had to find a green I would be comfortable with wearing for long periods of time and not get weary. The joy was that as I started just before lent I have been wearing purple for six weeks, then red this week. Now I have reached Good Friday I have 'stripped' them, as it were, for the new few days. You see in church buildings we strip away all the cloths and hangings and make the church bare to symbolises the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross. Then on Easter Sunday people arrive into church to find it decorated in white and gold coverings for the celebration of His having risen. It is a brightening and exciting experience, which is profoundly powerful!

So this evening my nails are stripped with no colour added and do you know what? It's serving it's purpose, it is reminding me, in a hugely visual way what we are celebrating.

I am desperate to just put some clear on but I won't even let myself do that. 

I am pretty sure most people at theological college have no clue this is happening at all, partly because if I am not 100% accurate with when I replace colours etc I do not want the pressure to be there if I get it wrong. However, I am taking photos of each season at the different points in which they appear to record the process. 

So far it has been interesting and challenging, let's hope it continues. Let's also wait to see whether my colleagues notice.... There was comment on the beautiful purple my nails were at breakfast one morning, to which I responded they would be like that for a while and stole a glance at one of my housemates, who caught my eye and smiled. At least my housemates are aware of the insanity of my concept. The hilarious thing is, they think it's great and one housemate has informed her placement supervisor, who was also suitably impressed. Not bad coming from a male colleague. 

God Bless, Deborah ><>

Go out and train everyone you meet, far and near, in this way of life... Matt 28:19

I have post-event hang over. Do you know what that's like? 

I'm exhausted physically and therefore I know I have been involved with something major, this is mixed with a faint excitement and buzz of adrenaline which is left over from the event. Thrown in is an undercurrent of deep sadness which threatens to build if one dwells on what has occurred too long. Yet, one has the temptation to bring names, situations and encounters up over and over again, like verbal vomit, to whomever happens to be around. Yes, I have a serious case of post-event fever. 

This weekend 1st - 3rd March I and my colleagues were sent on mission. Six teams departed college at various times on Friday and re-grouped in different locations across the North East. One group went as far north as Holy Island and another went as far south as Doncaster,  the rest of us were spread in between. One group stayed in Durham and went to the prison, while we went to the Metro Centre in Gateshead. 

We had started planning for this back in October when we had first met the Metro Centre's Chaplin: The Reverend Canon Lyn Jamison over lunch. Lyn was initially hesitant, with good reason, to have a team in the Metro Centre, as she later said 'It had to be the right team' but early into our meeting she sat back and smiled. Sharing her concern, she then added 'but after five minutes of meeting you all I knew this is going to be good.' 

Five months of planning, meetings both within college as a team and at the Metro Centre, e-mails back and forth, designs for posters, t-shirts, labyrinths....the list is endless it seems and it all came together this weekend. The only team who can say they officially had a marketing team on board, we were hugely supported and encouraged by the Metro Centre. 

On Friday we arrived for 2pm and began with a meeting with Lyn in one of the Metro Centre board rooms, drank coffee, ate homemade flapjack and fridge cake (made by one of our wonderful, additional, team members) and talked about the set up for the weekend. Having established enough caffeine in our systems and that we had bought everything we could possibly need, for now at least, we headed onto the floor. There was an area which had been cordoned off. This was our space. 

The first thing was; where would we set up the Labyrinth? Steve set out the marker and we realised just how big it was going to be. That in itself took up a huge portion of our allotted space! But we decided to map it out and then figure where our other stalls would go. Having mapped it out in a place on one side of our square we realised it wouldn't work in that position and therefore we started again. At some point we stopped for a coffee break before pressing on. Before we knew it we had a stage, a labyrinth and four stalls or allocated areas and it was time for dinner.











After a lovely meal and time of fellowship, mostly spent in laughter, we discussed some final logistics and prayed together. Then it was home for a few hours sleep before re-convening again at the Metro Centre at 9am. 

Saturday morning began with coffee or tea, laughter (par for course with our group), prayer and final changes to set up. Posters went up as shoppers began to start their day of events and we took up positions on whatever stall it was we were allocated to. It was a day filled with activities from creation collages, to prayer tree requests, people taking a journey around the Labyrinth or a free sweet and prayer card or Pencil, to having shoes cleaned or hands massaged. Some part took in everything. Meanwhile, on the hour we had dramas, songs, shows etc...everything from would you Adam and Eve it to puppets and even a flash mob! 

It was fantastic!!! We had some incredible conversations and moments. At the end of a wonderfully exhausting day we reflected on what it had held, how God had moved and what had challenged us. Then we put aside mission for a few hours and joined Lyn's husband for dinner, a great way of winding down but continuing to be church and fellowship together. Then we headed home for a few hours of sleep before doing it all again on Sunday. 

Sunday, we had less to set up with a plan of holding two services rather than dramas, stories, or puppets as we had had the day before. So it was a smoother start to the day with the band sorting out the gear, but we simply took our various positions, as we had the day before. Time flew and before we knew it we had held two services, both with great impact at different levels, and had had another day of engaging with people and meeting them where they were at. As the centre announced it's closing we began to close off our section, to as it had been when we had set up on Friday night, we removed posters, equipment and finally the Labyrinth. If this had been a pain to put down it certainly was a nightmare to pull up!! But oh how we laughed!!!



There was a sadness and reluctance to leave our square, looking at it now it was as though we had never been there. As we drank more coffee, tea or hot chocolate and ate flapjack, cake or fruit we chatted about the day and prayed together but all were aware of the loitering cloud which was descending of fatigue and an unwillingness to leave, to say goodbye. Finally poor Lyn managed to bid us fair well and get us out and we each separated off to our different modes of travel. However, not before a team hug!


The conclusion we had come to: it had felt such a natural and normal thing to do. 

Now at the end of a fantastic, fast paced, weekend I am left wondering what do I take from a this and where do I go next? I may never know but as I begin to process all I have encountered and revel in the privilege it has been, I shall ponder and pray, and of course sleep and rest on my well earned (I feel) day off.  

Take stock and admire the view

I live in one of the most beautiful places on the British Isles. Durham has; history, green, flowing water, and is stunning! The only downside; the hills! They are everywhere and there is no avoiding them, especially walking up to college on a morning.

Last week I decided to go for a walk, it was a gorgeous afternoon. Cold but bright. I headed, like a dog, towards the water. When I am in one of those kind of moods I just want to explore.

Explore I did! I found new paths and ways around. It was FANTASTIC! And for the most part I could hear the cathedral bells ringing out.

As I was walking I saw a bench by the river and felt inclined, a God nudging I call it, to sit. The view of the river was breathtaking!
I felt God say I want you to 'stop and admire the view'.

If you like climbing hills, as I do, if you didn't stop and rest you would wear yourself out and possibly cause yourself all kinds of injuries. Furthermore, if you kept climbing all the way to the top and didn't take stock and admire the view it would seem a bit of a pointless walk wouldn't it?!

So one thing I'm thinking about doing is stopping and admiring the view along this journey. I would like to invite you to do the same.

Can I invite you to make comments bellow my blog posts of anything which is challenging you.

Writing and journaling helps, in my experience, have you tried it?

I am setting myself the goal of taking myself physically out of college at set points in the day or week to write, have a coffee and 'admire the view'.

Part of the pause is to 'take stock' remember.

So take time to look how far you have come, what has challenged you?, what was helpful?, what have you learned? Then look forward to what comes next.

Have you got more of a climb to go?, are there resting places you can see along the way?, are you heading downhill after a pause of a while at the top?, what things can you see in the journey ahead where you can smile?, what might be the more difficult patches? Ready?

GO!

John 15:12-15 “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you”.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

At the start of every New Year I like to reflect a little on the year before, what has stood out to me? What had God done in my life? What has changed? How do I feel about what has happened in the year just past? What have I learnt? Am I the same person I was at the start of last year? You get the idea.

So this year has been no different. As I have enjoyed the sunshine, fresh air and relaxing atmosphere of the start of this New Year I have been pondering whether to write a blog at all. If I did what on earth would I say?

Well I started with my first question; what has stood out to me this year?

I could list any number of things; the queens jubilee, the Olympics and the summer cafe outreach we as a church ran for the two week period that was on, or our amazing two week family holiday to Malta. Or how about the major transition of changing career path and accepting God’s calling to train for ministry in the church of England, then starting the training and all that has involved?!

Yes 2012 held some amazing highlights and some hard times too. I am sure if I racked my brains hard enough I could list so much more. However, what hit me above everything else is the incredible blessing God has given me in the friends He has provided me with!!

This year I have started to learn to depend on people in new ways, God has been trying to teach me this this year, and I have been shocked and amazed at the love and support I have received.  Yes God has brought loving, hospitable, caring, funny, intelligent, beautiful people into my life to share its journey with. People who have housed me (for a ridiculous number of months), fed me, looked after my stuff, ferried me around, played with me, watched films with me, let me cry and moan on their shoulders, people who have laughed with me, drank wine with me, walked and talked with me and so much more!!! Above all they have loved me. They are fantastic people!!

Some have recently entered my life, others have been around much longer, some even longer still. They have seen my grumpy, sad, challenging sides as well as some of the more amiable sides of my personality and character.

I don’t know why I have been blessed in such a way, God is good to us just because He loves us and I feel ultra special to have so many blessings around in my life!!! I would be lost without these people and I thank God daily for them.

If you are one of these people – thank you!! Please know I love you and value your impact on my life, but more importantly God loves you and is using you for His glory (even on the days you don’t feel like it.)

I believe we are made to be in relationship with one another and although this is not always easy God does bless us with important people to share this adventure of life with. I look forward to sharing the year ahead with the people who God has blessed me with more and more.

In 2013 there will be more new people who will enter my life and who knows what kind of impact they will have?! Every relationship will change, the always are, but some will change more dramatically than others as they will move, start new jobs and bless other people’s lives and although I am not looking forward to this I know it is God’s plan and purpose and I shall trust His provision knowing He will solidify the relationships He has blessed me with in new and exciting ways.

Looking back to the year just gone and looking forward to the year ahead what stands out and inspires you?

I hope you have a fantastic year whatever it holds for you and quoting a very good friend of mine ‘May you be blessed by and be a blessing to the people who are in your life’ in 2013.

Love, Deborah ><>