‘Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.’ (1 Samuel 16:7 NIVUK)

What happens when we look at something and get one impression but when we explore beyond the surface appearance another reality is revealed?

 Recently I have become addicted to the great British bake off. One of the competitors has been told repeatedly that 'substance' takes precedence over style, as she has presented the most externally pleasing designs but has consequentially produced tasteless art - fine perhaps if like Picasso your work is not to be physically consumed but not so great when it's purpose is to be enjoyably edible. 

What is presented on the outside is not always consistent and therefore reflective of what is within. 

A phrase which is said to me often is "You look well today." 

What a compliment eh? And one I do not knock, however the problem is it is in fact difficult to tell whether I am well or not. As I often look fine, yet, due to having post viral fatigue, do not feel well within myself. Even those with years of experience in this complex illness find it difficult to tell when I am having an 'off' day and when I am genuinely fine. 

This in turn, causes a conflict; a) for those who look at and observe my external demeanour yet hear something contradictory and b) within myself. 

In the case of a) I believe people are loving and caring, for the most part, and want to see me be well and healthy, however there are also many misunderstandings about my illness which are played out in my relationships every day. This would be problem enough in most people's existence but thrown into living in a community of around 70 trainee vicars and ministers who eat, fellowship, study, work, serve, relax etc alongside one another, the intensity increases. So whereas the average person may be observed, commented on, or asked how they are a few times within a day this massively increases within my environment. And this combination of misunderstandings mixed with the care, love and longing to understand which my friends/family here offer often leads to their unhelpful phrase of encouragement "You look well today." 

While within me I see, experience and relish their love and care, balancing their multitude of gazes, actions and comments with the uncertainty of how I feel at that exact comment.  And ponder whether I burst their bubble with honesty or chose the simple answer; 'Thank you' accompanied by a smile. 

It has taken me a while to allow myself to acknowledge there are no right or wrong answers in this situation, actually what is right for one person may not be right for another. Also, I like to be honest with people but there is no possible way, and neither is it wise, to divulge the intricacies of how I am feeling to all who ask the question "How are you today?" Instead, in true British style, I respond with "I'm fine thanks, and you?" and do not condone myself for not being a hundred percent truthful all of the time - the fact is I am fine, but that covers so many areas it is unreal!

It has also taken me a while to realise that just because people say I look well it does not mean that how I actually feel is invalid. However, I am still learning to adjust, as are those around me, and this is a juxtaposition I believe I may have to continue adapting to for a while and it is certainly teaching me to not judge how someone is based on their external appearance. As very often, yes this can be a good implication but not always, and I now ask myself 'am I genuinely prepared for what the answer may be to the question "how are you?" 

Deborah <>< 

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