My help and glory are in God —granite-strength and safe-harbor-God— So trust him absolutely, people; lay your lives on the line for him. God is a safe place to be. Psalm 62:7-8 MSG

'Ah yes, the never-ending, daily, sometimes minutely wrestle of 'am I being lazy/ putting this thing off or do I need to rest?' An aspect of life this illness intensifies, as it does with many things. Measured by the 'I would just love to...' Or the 'Argh I had planned that and now I can't do it!'

It feels often as though life is a forest stripped off leaves, and the only way through is to push aside bare branches which you know will scratch you, tearing gnashes through flesh, exposing your warm blood to dirt and thus disease, and yet more pain.

Still, at points I hear a bird crow or the sun breaks through and a beam temporarily overcomes my vision and I look skywards and remember there is life outside the wood. There is a God who is bigger than this current circumstance. Then I glimpse orange and white, in those brief minutes I remember I am not alone, others suffer with this too. So I find the hollow of a tree and take a seat. Nestled up against the firm trunk, chin tucked on top of my knees, arms wrapped around my legs I rest. This is my cocoon.

It may not be ideal but it as it is. I am frustrated as I would like to be able to press on. Yet I remember I can not and sometimes we are called to wrestle with ourselves, or God, before we can explore what we have discovered from our wrestling. Jacob wrestled with God and learnt. A butterfly wrestles, stretches, grows and forms in their cocoon. Without it their wings would not form in the perfect way to enable flight.

Still it is encouraging to share these wrestles with those around us and learn others are wrestling too. Thank you!'

This was a reply I posted on another blog, of an amazing Godly woman Tanya Marlow. If you haven't read her blog do, here...http://tanyamarlow.com/cocooning

I read it at a timely point in my week.

"Welcome back to Cranmer Hall. Happy New Year! Hope you have all had a good vacation."

I smiled as I gazed around the room, "Thank you Lord!"

This scenario has loitered in my mind all week. Week one of Epiphany Term, year two of ordination training. I shall not bore you will the finer details but 'hit the ground running' comes to mind. A week of highs, lows, questions, tears, laughter, doubts. Life at Theological college while training for ordination in the Church of England (Just had one of those 'oh, erm, is this really me?! fleetingly regular moments).

I thudded onto the couch, my arms aching, tears brimming, torn between sleeping and screaming. Settling instead for catching up with 'Call the Midwife' on iplayer, followed by a good chat with my mum. Sharing heart moments equally in conversation is lightening; physically, spiritually and emotionally. Still I headed to bed around 7pm exhausted, day five of the first week back.

'How did I end up feeling this exhausted already?!'

I asked myself, between tear droplets and intentional ignoring of the aches my body held on to.

I, like Tanya, face the impending daily question of am I just being lazy? Can I push through? (with hopeful joy in my voice) or Do I actually need to rest?

There is no right answer to this. There are days when pushing through, albeit more gently than I would have before, is the only answer, and I live with the consequences. If I rest it is a question of where? How suitable a place will it be and will it enable 'proper' rest? And how does one judge if they themselves are being lazy?!

There is no definitive answer. So, in the meantime, I will snuggle against my tree and cocoon, trusting in the God who loves me, is with me in this trial and is cocooning with me too.

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble..." Psalm 46:1

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble..."

In the stillness a laugh erupted from my mouth. I could not help it. There was a quick giggle from my two companions. It was funny, even in the midst of morning prayer. I believe God sees the funny side and I hope you will too. 

A few Tuesday evenings ago I sat snuggled up on the sofa, laughing at Gilmore girls and trying to finish a cross stitch I started for friends a few weeks ago, a belated 70th birthday present. 

Black. Everything went black. 

"Oh no!" We groaned in unison.

Hannah and I carefully made our way to the lounge door, discussing whether it was only the lounge where the power had tripped or the whole house. In the hall a light was on. Based on this Hannah thought it may just be the power in the lounge which has ceased. However, it was the emergency light. We definitely didn't have power. 

Standing at the bottom of the stairs Hannah yelled up to another of our housemates "Jane, have you got power?" The response was resoundly no. 

Great, just great! The three off us stood in our cramped hall and discussed what to do next. 

Being intelligent, capable women we looked at the electricity switches and tried to flick the fuse. Nothing. 

It was cold, it was dark, it was 10 o'clock at night. What were the options?!

"I could stay here, I would be ok, I have a hot water bottle." One of my housemates declared. 

"And how would you heat the water to go inside the hot water bottle?" I asked.

 It had been cold for days. Any vague heat which had once filled our home had vanished. We hadn't had heating since Thursday and although we had had fan heaters on in some of the rooms, many had not and now without any electricity heat would not be a viable option at all. 

We had two choices, curl up and share body heat or pick up the phone. I love my housemates dearly and if it had been a necessity option one was valid. However, we opted for option two. 

As a dear friend answered the phone I burst into hysterics, quickly joined by my housemates. Explaining our situation, through fits of laughter I spluttered "It's...not...funny...but..." It was ridiculous. I mean, it was 10pm on a January night, we had no hot water and not electricity the last time I was in this situation I was in Tanzania, and I expected it there! 

We were offered shelter for the evening and each dispersed to her own bedroom to pack what belongings we could remember we may need for a stay in someone else's home. 

Automatically we all found ourselves trying to switch on bedroom lights, to no avail off course. Not having a torch to hand I found myself trying to remember where I kept my belongings, sensing things by touch and smell to decipher if this item were indeed the one I wanted.   

Re-congregating in the hall, we set out in the wind and drizzle up the hill to seek warmth and lighting. 

On arriving we were welcomed by gracious friends who had organised us areas to sleep and welcomed us to use their home as long as we needed. 

Now, here we were sat the following morning, teas or juices in hand sharing in the morning office together (one if the many highlights of living with my particularly wonderful housemates!) and the psalm declares...

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble..."

In the stillness a laugh erupted from my mouth. I could not help it. There was a quick giggle from my two companions. It was funny! After our night and the unknowing of what the day would face, of when we might have working electricity and heating again, of where, how and when we were going to do the assignments we needed to do, to read this brought us joy, hope and laughter. 

Bitter sweet 2

 Living with Chronic post-viral fatigue is never easy. But throw in Christmas season, where as a trainee vicar and ministers daughter the load is slightly more. As well as buying, wrapping and exchanging presents, helping cook the Christmas dinner for all nine of us round the Christmas table, there are services beyond measure, preparing, taking and generally being there for people and 'catching up'. All which I love!! But no longer have the energy to sustain. 

This is frustrating. 

As I say, I love it all. I love baking, socialising, catching up, serving and being with people, but I can't stand around for long, I can't keep standing and sitting for songs, or if I do I don't have any energy to talk to people, or tidy up afterwards. 

But what is societies view?..... She is being lazy!! 

Argh!! I want to scream. The truth is I could do it last year, sit around and allow myself to not 'play the game' as I was sooooo poorly, but this year...well I care too much what people think is the cusp of it. I know I shouldn't but I do. On top of that I don't count my disability as giving me an excuse, but the truth is I don't want to be disabled. I want to be well. 

But if I keep convincing myself I am well I eventually hit a wall, like today. I am tired. I want to cry. My arms ache so I can barely lift them. I'm tired of being poorly and it impacting every area of my life. Praise God I have been able to do more this year but by no means can I do everything.

Sorry for the moan, that is not what I intend at all. I believe in seeing the hope in all situations and I certainly do see the hope in my own. The bible tells us 'God works everything for the good of those who love Him...' But many people forget the second half which states 'according to His will and purpose.' (Romans 8:28) You see in all things, the good and the bad God works them for good, but not the good we necessarily expect. Nor the good which we classify it as but rather as the 'good' He sees and understands. Very often this is not something we would deem as good, because as humans we have a limited view of things. However, it is what God knows and understands which dictates His actions and often we simply need to trust, even when things seem scary and out of our control. 

I wonder how Mary felt, she had been told by an angel that she would have a baby, she had remained faithful to God, so how could He, a loving generous God do this to her?! What if Joseph divorced her? That wouldn't look good!! She might never get married, what would her parents say? They would never believe her!

Now we know, in the aftermath of the story that an angel appears and tells Joseph to marry Mary but she didn't know that was going to happen, did she? And we are not given a time spectrum so it may have been when she had already started to show, at 14 in a society dependant on men for women to exist and survive, how was this a 'good' plan by God? 

And yet, now we see the bigger picture and know it was good. Because of their faith in God Mary and Joseph were entrusted with the job of rearing Jesus, God incarnate. The ultimate gift. But it is only good within God's plans and purposes and when the bigger picture is known. 

In some ways I know my fatigue is a gift from God and He is working it for good, but at present I don't see the bigger picture and in the nitty gritty of life it is difficult, but I keep trusting God. In the mean time I will share my frustrations and be real with you, because I am not called to live a dishonest life. In fact I am called to share a vulnerable one, for that is when God shines through. If there are no cracks the light can not be released!! At the same time when the cracks are revealed, it stings. Bitter sweet I once blogged and bitter sweet it remains.  

Numb?!

Numb?!

Chiming bells, candles, cinnamon smells and jiggly tunes consume us at this time of the year. Why? Simple. It's Christmas! 
"But what does that mean?"  The vicar asks for the hundredth time, and we all know it has something to do with God and Jesus. 
Yet most of us bustle around, trying to narrowly avoid each other as we dash from store to store. Parents squeal in excitement as they announce how they are off to see "Little Molly as Mary and Tom a shepherd." We may even bring ourselves to roll into church and sing a few carols but do we mean what they declare? Have we even thought about it? 
Or are we numb?! 

Last Tuesday evening I sat through a beautiful candle lit (and glow stick) carol service in Durham Cathedral and sang some well crafted carols, but did I really take stock of what I was partaking in? Or was I numb?!

How many of us watch versions of the nativity and smile at the cuteness of small children dressed up and concern ourselves with whether our little darling has remembered their lines or not, but do we ever ponder the significance of the Christmas message? 
Or are we numb?!

After all, it all seems a little strange doesn't it? Every year we spend a fortune, cook, then consume, more than we ever do at any time of the year and furthermore we dress children up in blue, white, brown, gold, red and, increasingly, orange (- chickens are making more and more of an appearance in Bethlehem these days). And why?

This thought has recently struck me. I know the nativity story inside and out; angel appears to Mary, tells her she will have a baby and he will be the saviour of the world, then the angel goes to Joseph to ensure he also knows and will still marry Mary, then they have to leave their home to go to the place of Joseph's birth, they end up having Jesus and putting Him in a manger, angels appear to shepherds who turn up to celebrate Jesus' birth, meanwhile a star has appeared in the sky and some wise people head towards Bethlehem too. Of course what the majority of nativity's fail to take account off is Herod's request for all boys under the age off two to be killed - i.e. The wise people did not turn up on the night of His birth. Also in none of the four accounts of Jesus' life is a donkey mentioned. Just saying.

Now don't get me wrong there is nothing too wrong with any of these things, I love Christmas, and do not believe in being a humbug!! But I wonder what God thinks. Does He wonder why on earth we put ourselves through this every year? Does he sit, with a bemused parent expression on His face, smiling as He watches us dash about muttering under our breaths? Does He sigh and think 'this was supposed to be so simple! Christmas is about love.' 

You might be thinking 'I know that!' True, but for whom from whom? 

Christmas is about God's love for you!! Me, the person next to you, your best friend, your parents...each and every single person. If only you had been on the earth God would have arranged Christmas the way it happened over 2,000 years ago because He LOVES YOU!!!

That's Amazing!!

Now when I stop to remember that the baby we see in the manger is the manifestation of God and His love I can't be numb. I get excited!!

This is what Christmas is about - the fact God loves me, you, us!! 

And suddenly I don't just sing another carol, I think about the one I am singing it for. The one I am thanking, of thinking me worthy enough to love in such an amazing way. And you know what? If there is nothing about the nativity story which is significant the why do we celebrate Christmas and go through this rigmarole?! 

Watching a nativity as it tells me how God sent the only gift worth receiving this Christmas I am no longer numb, are you?! 

Being colour and light Matt 5:14-16 MSG

“Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven. (Matthew 5:14-16 MSG)


I think this passage says it all on it's own but it is especially significant for me this morning. For  I have read this passage just before I am about to be placed on a great hill - a stage in the metro centre. I am scared and nervous, and yet excited because I know God loves those who will be there and wants to use this opportunity for His glory, and there is nothing more exciting than sharing God with those He loves!!
This passage also speaks of a promise to me - God has gone before me, He knows those who will be there to hear His message. So I can have peace that He will use it to show His love to His creation.
It is affirmation; what I am doing is the right thing, He is proud of me and loves me. 
Being a light is significant for me and the phrase used here of 'bringing out the God-colors' is a major thing for me! I love colour and I believe God does too, otherwise why would He have created it?! I love dressing colourfully - I believe colour can brighten someone's day, it helps people smile, as does light. We need both in our lives otherwise we get depressed as humans. God knew this and that is why He refers to Himself in the bible in such a way, as we need Him and He brightens our lives.
So if God is encouraging me to be both light and colour for Him today that is great encouragement for me because that is what I seek to do, in and through the power and strength of Christ by His Holy Spirit, not just today but always but if He especially wishes to use today then praise God :-) 
“Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven. (Matthew 5:14-16 MSG)

‘Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.’ (1 Samuel 16:7 NIVUK)

What happens when we look at something and get one impression but when we explore beyond the surface appearance another reality is revealed?

 Recently I have become addicted to the great British bake off. One of the competitors has been told repeatedly that 'substance' takes precedence over style, as she has presented the most externally pleasing designs but has consequentially produced tasteless art - fine perhaps if like Picasso your work is not to be physically consumed but not so great when it's purpose is to be enjoyably edible. 

What is presented on the outside is not always consistent and therefore reflective of what is within. 

A phrase which is said to me often is "You look well today." 

What a compliment eh? And one I do not knock, however the problem is it is in fact difficult to tell whether I am well or not. As I often look fine, yet, due to having post viral fatigue, do not feel well within myself. Even those with years of experience in this complex illness find it difficult to tell when I am having an 'off' day and when I am genuinely fine. 

This in turn, causes a conflict; a) for those who look at and observe my external demeanour yet hear something contradictory and b) within myself. 

In the case of a) I believe people are loving and caring, for the most part, and want to see me be well and healthy, however there are also many misunderstandings about my illness which are played out in my relationships every day. This would be problem enough in most people's existence but thrown into living in a community of around 70 trainee vicars and ministers who eat, fellowship, study, work, serve, relax etc alongside one another, the intensity increases. So whereas the average person may be observed, commented on, or asked how they are a few times within a day this massively increases within my environment. And this combination of misunderstandings mixed with the care, love and longing to understand which my friends/family here offer often leads to their unhelpful phrase of encouragement "You look well today." 

While within me I see, experience and relish their love and care, balancing their multitude of gazes, actions and comments with the uncertainty of how I feel at that exact comment.  And ponder whether I burst their bubble with honesty or chose the simple answer; 'Thank you' accompanied by a smile. 

It has taken me a while to allow myself to acknowledge there are no right or wrong answers in this situation, actually what is right for one person may not be right for another. Also, I like to be honest with people but there is no possible way, and neither is it wise, to divulge the intricacies of how I am feeling to all who ask the question "How are you today?" Instead, in true British style, I respond with "I'm fine thanks, and you?" and do not condone myself for not being a hundred percent truthful all of the time - the fact is I am fine, but that covers so many areas it is unreal!

It has also taken me a while to realise that just because people say I look well it does not mean that how I actually feel is invalid. However, I am still learning to adjust, as are those around me, and this is a juxtaposition I believe I may have to continue adapting to for a while and it is certainly teaching me to not judge how someone is based on their external appearance. As very often, yes this can be a good implication but not always, and I now ask myself 'am I genuinely prepared for what the answer may be to the question "how are you?" 

Deborah <>< 

If you have any thoughts on this or any of my other blogs please comment bellow.  

"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:19

It has been a while since I started a blog post from scratch looking at a bible passage but as I read this one posted on twitter this morning a thought crossed my mind and I realised it was prevalent.

Yesterday the community of Cranmer Hall and Wesley study Centre went to an island of the Holy variety on a 'quiet' day. It was not so much quiet but it was a lovely day out. 

If any of you have been to Holy Island and Lindisfarne you will know that the causeway is completely cut off at certain times, as the tide comes in, which results in no access; the island is in fact an island. 

As we drove back yesterday evening the tides had started to turn and the water was slowly  making pathways across the sand. We commented on how it could 'sneak' up on you, as it wasn't an obvious surge of water. Before you know it you would be surrounded and stuck in a box on the top of polls for hours. 

As I read this passage it make me think of those streams in the sand. 

When God is working it doesn't always hit us like a wave hitting the shore line but actually moves slowly. 

Without the water this area looks like a 'wasteland', but surrounding the causeway was bright green luscious fields and trees. Without God we have desolate, pointless lives but if we allow Him to fill us with His streams of living water, ever be it slowly, before we know it we will be full and the things around us will be green and beautiful, fruitful and luscious. 

I don't know if you have a faith and are reading this. I do and to be honest I am feeling a bit like a barren wasteland at the moment. When i wrote this blog on Friday I was not looking forward to that evening, as many of our community are leaving us to start their ministry in the areas to which God has called them, which means at the same time I am hugely excited for them! 

So in a very practical sense God is starting a new thing, both for them and for us who are physically remaining in the community. 

So I think the passage hit me on many levels. The great thing is that this is an encouraging passage in which I know God is saying He has great and has exciting things planned, I simply need to let Him move, be it ever so slowly, and fill me up with His water.

Here is a picture of us all having a service on Holy Island - the Island was our chapel: